tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19138690492591993682024-03-05T13:42:49.211+00:00Breast Cancer StoryAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-39244899061779194622012-10-01T18:26:00.000+01:002012-10-01T18:26:21.175+01:00October Madness<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kb83k6Yz9vw1hNxrjEp47CNBIZ695ck3PVz01M06ni8i4iKnPcKt25TTWcQcUa1hycG_cwhNuzemD0pUj97jsWZk058aD9LmDspN3OTMQghK4ZWTs-0U-rk0nczYx_dOkJLR5Hni1pM/s1600/breastcancerribbon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kb83k6Yz9vw1hNxrjEp47CNBIZ695ck3PVz01M06ni8i4iKnPcKt25TTWcQcUa1hycG_cwhNuzemD0pUj97jsWZk058aD9LmDspN3OTMQghK4ZWTs-0U-rk0nczYx_dOkJLR5Hni1pM/s1600/breastcancerribbon.jpg" /></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Today is the first day of October and I think the world has
gone mad. Now that is a strong statement coming from me. With me being a self
confessed mad woman that you either hate or love. Well firstly for madness is
that I am back to doing my normal mad things of doing everything I bloody
shouldn't. Well; a bit over exaggerated, but I did cheat in the wine
department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to blame this bit
on the medication, but I got my dates mixed up and for days lounged around the
sofa, hugging a bottle of wine, getting friggin bloody excited at the thought
of being able to drink it, only to be disappointment when it appeared that I
had more antibiotics left than I had bargain for. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was only a day early but ok, I cheated and
had poured myself a glass of wine, while i still had 2 doses of anti’s to
take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh come on, I have gone months
without a drop and I have been really good, so a small glass (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">which it was</i>) wasn’t going to hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact it had the most amazing reaction on
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the best night’s sleep I have
had in ages, totally undisturbed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
a snoring in heaven experience that I woke up the next day feeling pretty good
and itching to get out of the house and climb mountains.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t worry, I have been good and have been
spending this last week, relaxing and getting myself ready for this week’s
chemo and appointments at the hospital, starting tomorrow with my super duper
Mr Pain Doc at the Hospice. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Anyway enough about me and my wine antics, back to why I
think the world has gone mad.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">For weeks now the world has been turning into a beautiful colour of pink,
with large and small corporations and companies looking forward to making money
based on fear that lurks in the hearts and souls of every woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But breast cancer isn’t beautiful as portrayed
by the colour, nor does it only target women.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"></span><i><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Breast
Cancer is the second biggest cause of death from cancer for women in the UK,
but the good news is that survival rates are improving, which is probably down
to more targeted treatments, earlier detections and better breast
awareness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately the downside is
that the number of people being diagnosed is increasing </span></span></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"></span></i> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"></span></i><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Everyone is on the case today, there are new advertising
campaigns about breast cancer awareness and none stop talks about the subject,
but all of them seem to be focusing on one thing and that is the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>TLC (Touch, Look, Check), to find anything
that looks or feels unusual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But to me
breast cancer awareness means much more than just checking, or getting your
partner or next door neighbour if you like to check your boobs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me it’s about the emotional aspect of it,
the feeling deep inside when finding a lump, the emotions everyone has when
hearing them dreaded words ‘you have breast cancer’ and the emotions of getting
through treatment with the hope that you can beat the fooker, only to be
followed by the fear of it returning.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I’m not saying that I am against awareness campaigns that
have been released I applaud and welcome them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But surely, shouldn’t there be some sort of emotion attached to
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The picture of Mel B with her
husband cupping her breasts to hide her modesty as caused a lot of discussion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am all for that sort of thing but didn’t
she have a boob job at some point in her life. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">correct me if I’m wrong</i>) but if that’s the case, them I am sorry,
but I find it rather insulting; as I have implants, never chose them, would
never have chose them and have some bloody nasty scars to go with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she hasn’t had a boob job, then I apologise
and say good on ya Mel and nice tits. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
getting back to emotion, wouldn’t a poster of a breast cancer survivor have
more of an impact for awareness though?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
survivor (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me me;</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">i’d do it</i>) with her husband stood behind her (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not sure he woul</i>d lol), cupping her breasts/chest with just a
reveal of a scar there to show people that this is reality. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what can happen if you find that lump
that they are only telling you to look for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s as though the reality of breast cancer is just too much for people
to handle and that is why the awareness only stretches from checking yourself
and going to your GP and that early detection CAN save lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I love the colour Pink and before my own diagnosis, used to have
lots of pink clothing, had the typical girly pink bedroom as a child, and at
one time in my life, developed a fad that I had to own every single shade of
pink lipstick available to compliment my beautiful blonde hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally I feel that too many people are
cashing in on the colour, knowing that the ‘Pretty Pink’ colour will attract people
to buy goods when they say they are raising funds for Breast Cancer Research
and other Breast Cancer Charities. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still
this is not a bad thing, if money is donated and depending on how much of the
money actually goes to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I came
across a breast cancer bouquet of Pink flowers costing £26 the other day, with
a promise of donating 10% to a breast cancer charity; Woopeedooo, 10 bloody fantastic
percent, but where does the remaining £23.40 out of every £26.00 go when the
usual average price for such a bouquet is usually around £10, yes you got it,
it goes straight into their greedy little pockets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Now my pet hate is the stupid games that people are taking
part in, and have tried to include me in, but can someone please tell me how
changing a facebook status to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">’10 inches’</i>
can actually raise awareness for breast cancer, when in the chain letter it
states that it’s for women only (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bit of</i>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sexual discrimination going on I think</i>)
and also not let on what it means even if asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These games and I’m sorry if I offend anyone,
but they are bloody downright infuriating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you want to raise awareness, then do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write on your bloody status ‘be breast aware’
or something, cos writing your shoe size or similar is not going to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Also being breast aware does NOT only apply to October.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry everyone, but lumps, dimples, leakage
rashes and nipple changes can also happen in <em>January, February, March, April,
May, June, July, August, September, November and December</em>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am proof of that cos I found mine in the
month of March. And you know what? 2 weeks prior it wasn’t there. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I was always good and checked my breast regularly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was good in 2006 when I found my very small
pea sized lump and went straight to my GP.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wasn’t diagnosed though, I was told I was paranoid and wasn’t
diagnosed for another year, but by then the very small pea sized lump had grown
to a massive 80mm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe; just maybe if
I had been stronger and demanded a second opinion, I wouldn’t be here today
writing about my breast cancer. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">big possibility,
report from an independent oncologist says chances of re-occurance very small</i>)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The point I am trying to make is, I knew I
wasn’t paranoid, I knew that the lump I had was different to my other usual
lumps and bumps that most of us women experience at different stages in a
month. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So if you feel or see anything,
no matter how small, please please get it checked, and checked to your satisfaction.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know our own bodies better than
anyone and the earlier you start to examine your breasts the more in touch with
yourself you will be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will know what
is and isn’t right for you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Can you describe in one sentence, what breast cancer awareness
means.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">My sentence would be ;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the heartache and fear of not being around
for another year.</i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-88875603924331749122012-09-20T17:15:00.000+01:002012-09-28T19:06:20.601+01:00Regular at 5* City<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">It’s a bit bad when nurses of wards know you by name and
remember what your daily and nightly drinks are whether it be tea or horlicks,
but over the years that is just how its turned out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I had my chemo as planned on the 13<sup>th</sup>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I was delayed from my last chemo, my
weeks are a bit mixed up now and instead of receiving Herceptin and Zometa on day
1, I now receive these on day 8 of my cycle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Confused? Trying being me). </i>Still
trying to get my head back into turning everything into a positive mode, I
found the positive in this by telling myself I had an additional week to get my
head and body sorted (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">meaning the aches
and pains</i>) before getting the pure lead in the bones feeling that the
Zometa gives me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee has been wrapping
me up in cotton wool and has gone a little overboard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We hadn’t even gotten through the front door
after driving home from chemo before he ordered me to go upstairs, get my PJ’s
on and rest on the sofa. Which reminds me; we have a fabby brand new mobility
car, who Lee has named Barney.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Laugh if you
like, but she is a She, I know this cos Lee said so, and he has named her
Barney cos she’s purple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have gone
from a Citroen C3 Picasso to a Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer (posh hey?) ha
ha, don’t let the sports tourer bit dazzle you, its just a posh name for an
Estate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love it especially after
spending the last 3 yrs being thrown around in the not so comfy seat of the
Piccaso and having to hang on for dear life going round corners and
roundabouts, this new pap pap is a dream.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Right back on track! Lee ordered me into my PJ’s and to
relax on the sofa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did as I was told
apart from a slight detour into the kitchen to put the kettle on, Lee shouted
at me and ushered me onto the sofa ordering me to stay put.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time he returned back from the kitchen
with my hot mug of tea, I was snoring my head off. Sat bolt upright, head
dangling forward with chin touching chest, drooling and snorting. I was out for
the count for a couple of hours at which point I woke up absolutely
freezing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hot flushes on top of hot flushes
means only one thing and that is dripping wet Pj’s that send you shivering like
you were sat in the Atlantic, and so the old routing of dressing gown on and
dressing gown off commenced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After an
hour or so of fidgeting from hot sweats to freezing cold, I gave Lee a kiss
goodnight, changed to a fresh pair of PJ’s, settled in bed for the night and
was out for the count without my head hitting the pillow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I had my last appointment with Boobie Doc on the Friday
morning, just to check that the swelling and hardness of my infected boob had
subsided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All good on that front (ha ha
excuse the pun), Boobie is looking good and I was discharged with the normal
‘Call if you need us’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more anti’s (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">apart from the oncology one’s to start in a
weeks time</i>), no more boobie doc appointments and whey heyyy no surgery
needed which is a great relief cos even though I said previously, that I wished
they’d just operated at the start of the infection and be done with it, my
feelings for this were just down to being fed up of the anti’s and feeling so darn
tired all the time, with the added stress of not knowing if they would operate
in the end anyaway, not to mention the delay with my chemo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To lose my reconstruction now after all the
years and surgery to rebuild me, would be devastating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My boobs arn’t perfect and my right side is a
good inch higher than my left, but by heck with a decent bra I can show off my
cleavage as good or if not better than the next person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not vain, I have known to be in the past,
but with all this breast cancer stuff, treatment, boob loss and hair loss, one
learns to accept these changes in life and learns to appreciate what you have
and make the most of what you got and in my case; so I’ve been told, is my
personality and heart. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Still taking things easy and resting as Lee is ordering, I
spent another day lounging on the sofa, glued to the TV.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt no different to how I’d been for the
last couple of days, in fact I felt better as I didn’t feel so tired, but I was
still feeling cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee sent me up to
bed, following me up with the white blood cell booster injection which friggin
hurt like hell and then passed me my thermometer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bloody marvellous, temp was 38.4 and I was
back in the hospital by 9.30pm.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">It amazes me why the hospital admittance ward for cancer
patients can’t access a friggin portacath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My arms are still bruised from the CT scan, but the doctor was
determined that he could find a vein to hook me up to an IV.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>1, 2, 3, 4 stabs later (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all in and around my bruises</i>) and he smiles thinking that he has
done it, only to see my arm start to balloon like a water melon on the first
flush of saline going through it. Now I’m not a doc, but after 5 yrs of seeing
this happen, I know when a friggin cannula is in or out of my vein.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ward doctors response to this was “I’ll
slow the drip down”, (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oh fabby idea, why
didn’t I think of that NOT</i>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next on
the agenda; Oh you need blood tests do you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Erm I’m not cannulated properly and it won’t give out blood, so
brilliant ward doctor decides to use non lymph node arm without any hesitation
what so ever saying it will be ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
hope so, cos only 5 minutes later he returned back with another needle saying
he hadn’t taken enough blood and needed to stab me once more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Lee was in stitches; every time a needle touched me, my legs
left the bed, going rigid and grasping at thin air as the sound of ‘Eeeek’ came
out of my gob.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why on earth I do that is
beyond me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Confusion got the better of
my team of docs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My blood counts had
gone up quite drastically, just from the one injection that Lee had given me at
home earlier so I wasn’t neutropenic, my temp was back to normal and blood
pressure, although always slightly low was a good normal reading for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Speculation to whether I still had an
infection along with being neutropenic and dehydrated were all words that kept
going around with one doc saying that my tiredness, lack of eating and hyper
stimulated emotional state of tears falling from one’s eye’s at the drop of a
... a drop of anything really whether good or bad, could be a side effect of
coming off the steroids that I was on way too quickly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Steroids could well be the answer and so into the cannula I
was given a good dose of IV antibiotics and a good high dose of steroid that
the doc said we should see an improvement in a couple of hours, which in
steroid terms means one thing; Climbing the walls and wide awake fidgety syndrome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh great! At this time of the night too.. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bloody hell! Thistles in ya knickers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had forgotten all about them,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had them back in 2007 with my EC Chemo, but
what I can remember was that they were definitely not as stingy as these were,
AND didn’t last as long either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk
about legs raising off the bed with needles, well the whole bottom part of me
was raised off the bed this time and wanting very quickly to stick my arse into
a bucket of cold ice water, Lee who was having fits of giggles now with my legs
couldn’t get over how quickly the steroid hit from half way up my arm to my
arse.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I spent the night in the admittance ward and moved onto the
normal cancer ward the following day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hi
Karen, Bed near the window in Bay 3” Ward sister shouted over to me as I was
wheeled onto the ward<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Cheers’ I said
with my usual smile and “Wooo; any chance of a cuppa” I asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Of course, tea with no sugar” was her
reply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now this is when you know things
are bad, when nurses remember your name is one thing, but to remember every fine
detail of how I take my tea, and automatically bringing over an additional blanket
cos they remember that I’m the one who’s always cold is something else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my portacath accessed at last (yippeeee)
as my arm by now was swollen so much and was a complete black mess of bruises. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I wasn’t going anywhere quick, and the usual thing of being
admitted for one thing and then being kept in for something totally different
surfaces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>IV fluid bags were constantly
going in, but nothing was coming out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
pee pee outtake was being monitored, food intake was monitored, drinking was monitored,
blood pressure and temp was monitored which was going up and down all over the
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>IV ant’s 3 times a day, Aural
anti’s 3 times a day, my normal pain meds, along with a couple of extra’s for
my bowl movement, burning stomach and of course a bucket load of tiny pills
that were called ‘Steroids’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2
injections per night; one to boost blood count and one to thin blood, my
stomach had become a large game of black dot to dot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Wednesday morning I woke up to find my bed sheets were
covered with blood, my hands were covered, and after sitting up and patting
myself down to see where it hurt I found my PJ top was dripping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Underneath was a river of blood swimming up
and across the whole of my stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Arghhh
I’m bleeding to death” I yelled, only to find after cleaning myself up that the
culprit was from the blood thinner injection I’d had the night before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My blood had become so thin, it wasn’t
clotting anymore, and it was gushing out of the tiny pin prick hole. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It bled through swabs and swabs and so the
decision was made that there would be no more of these injections for me for a
while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was late in the evening to get
me healing and the last swab removed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was being a patient patient, I wanted to get right, I didn’t want to go home
only to finish up back in here in such a short space of time again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My chemo was due on Thursday and I definitely
didn’t want that postponed again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but
each time I asked about my chemo, I was told I would have to wait and see.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">There is only one thing worse than being stuck in hospital
and that is being stuck in hospital with no way of communication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our life styles rely on mobile phones, to
ring for a natter to anyone who will answer and to send endless amounts of pointless
texts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there is the brilliance of internet
access and facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stupid frickin
phone, By Sunday lunchtime I had used up all my minutes and my bloody internet
access ran out and then the unbelievable happened; I could only receive
incoming calls and texts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shoved £10
credit onto the overly priced hospital TV to get access to the phone, telling
everyone I cannot ring or txt out, but spent the next 5 days staring down at my
phone for it to do nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bit
exaggerated there, I got loads of text messages from some brilliant friends,
thanks girls for making me miss my phone even more, cos I couldn’t answer you
back lol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily, I had a few more visitors this time,
Lee, his mum, his aunty, his dad and step mum and of course mi Bessie mate
Pauline.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">After a long lonely boring week on Thursday 20<sup>th</sup>
September after breakfast I was told I could get dressed and head down to my
chemo unit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fanbloodytastic, no delays,
well apart from the normal delays of chemo day unit of; chemo aint ready, or
all the nurses are busy with other patients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After my full 5 minute dose of chemo, (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ha ha still going on about how quick this one is</i>), followed by the cocktail
of Herceptin and Zometa I was free to go home as soon as my home meds of
steroids etc.. were made up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Late tea time and I’m home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m still tired, but am feeling much more alive and definitely think the
problems that I have been having are all mostly down to the lack of steroids
going into my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am on a reduced
does of 4 mg a day for 7 days when they will be reduced down to 2mg. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This will then be discussed with my oncologist
and monitored.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could be a matter of
staying on a small dose whilst doing this chemo, which I would rather be on and
have the Hamster Cheeks and Buddha Belly than be drained and lifeless like I
have been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am still having to take the antibiotics but
they will (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fingers crossed</i>) be done
with by next Thursday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hospital have
upt my dosage of oxycontin, so all being well, I will be buzzing around high
with energy with the steroids and the super duper pain meds will have me pain
free to keep up.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-18913505558076652402012-09-12T19:11:00.000+01:002012-09-28T19:06:20.599+01:00Infections and Delays<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">3<sup>rd</sup> cycle of chemo started really well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my day 1 chemo with the Herceptin and
Zometa, rested for a couple of days and then made the most of the week ready
for my day 8 chemo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Day 8 chemo came and
went, felt bloody fab, so much so that I went along to a wedding reception on
the Saturday evening just 2 days after and stayed up till early hours or should
I say late hours of the morning drinking my favourite tipple of wine. And I
have to add here that I looked bloody good in my blonde hair and slinky sexy
number that I wore, not one to blow one’s own trumpet but hey someone’s gotta
do it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Monday 26th August is where things started to go wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke up feeling a little tender around my
reconstruction on the right side (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my
breast cancer side</i>) as the day went on, my boobie started to go a little
red and a little hot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My temperature was
normal but I decided that I would pop my head in to see my breast nurse the
following day after my pain management appointment at the Hospice, before
heading up the motorway 60 miles to visit my mum for a couple of days.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">As soon as my nurse saw me, she did the whole blood pressure
and temperature thing and gathered lots of blood from my port to be sent for
testing From there I was seen by an oncologist who then sent me over to the
breast clinic to see my (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">plastic surgeon</i>)
breast doctor, who then sent me for an ultra sound and before I knew myself
what was happening, I was in private isolated room in a hospital bed with a
drip going into me along with lots of intravenous antibiotics. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was infected; but goodness knows where or
how I’d picked up the infection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On top
of that I was also told I was Neutropenic. “Whats that then” I asked.. you
would think by now they would stop using all these technical terms cos I just
don’t know what they mean and even after they explain, I forget, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hence me telling people for a couple of days I
was neurotic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway neutropenic, the correct word, is where
the white blood cells are really low and it affects the body’s ability to fight
off any infections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was put on nil by
mouth and on the surgery list for the following morning depending on how I responded
to the antibiotics through the night, at which point I was now on IV an aural anti’s,
and had lovely black marker drawn all over my boob to measure where the redness
and swelling was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I escaped surgery on
the Wednesday morning as the redness and heat radiating from it seemed to be
fading, only to be put back onto fasting and the surgery list for the Thursday
morning as the heat and redness starting up again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I escaped surgery once more. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">After 5 days of being isolated from anyone with infections, and
receiving Intravenous antibiotics I was allowed to go home with some aural
anti-biotics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mr Boobie Doc still warned
me that surgery may be required but fingers crossed we had caught the infection
in time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was seen a couple of days
later and issued another 2 weeks of antibiotics to keep on top of the
infection, still at this point, hopefully avoiding surgery. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chemo was postponed and by now I was wishing
that they had just took me into theatre on the same day as the infection was
found because at least I could be having chemo and killing squatters and be
back to how I was before all this infection stuff started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The antibiotics gave me thrush, so had more
antibiotics shoved down my throat for that and then I plummeted down with energy
levels, couldn’t eat and was only useful at making the sofa untidy, or using up
all the Kleenex and toilet roll in the house from my constant over emotional
tear ducts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I wanted to do was
sleep.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">My breast doctor, who has been keeping a close eye on me,
said that the antibiotics would make me tired and gave me a talking to about
eating properly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easier said than done,
when just the thought of eating something makes you feel sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was living on glasses of milk and driving
Lee mad as he was trying to tempt me with every delight available, such as
pizza, Chinese and Indian, my favourite cousin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He even failed with attempting me with even worse junk food (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my favourite</i>) crisps and chocolate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was put on protein drinks I counted the
days away until the last of my antibiotics were taken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if on cue, I started to pick up just in time
for my next CT Scan and Oncology appointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was out sitting in the garden soaking up as much vitamin D as possible
and having some nice quality time with Lee, Luke and the Dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was managing to keep awake for more than an
hour at a time and this was a massive improvement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The bruises from the previous CT Scan hadn’t healed enough
and so doing something that were not supposed to do, opted to go for the side
that I’d had all my lymph nodes removed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We hit jackpot first time with a nice small but juicy vein that probably
got the biggest shock in its life since it hasn’t been used are even acknowledged
for 5 yrs. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">With the Antibiotics finished but still feeling quite tired,
I told Lee that I thought maybe I would be better off delaying chemo for
another week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t feel ready and
after talking to my breast nurse whilst taking all my bloods etc... She tended
to agree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had it all sorted in my
mind, I was going to take control of my treatment but then all of that went out
of the window as I got carried away with my Mr Nice oncologist and my CT
Results.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t expect much this time
with missing a cycle of chemo, but to my relief, the cancer is still stable,
with a bit of question mark as to whether there has been a reduction or
not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This depends on how the radiologist
measures, as each one has their own way of doing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Saying that I am pretty chuffed that the
cancer is at the very least stable with no change and not grown any.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mr Lovely oncologist checked my now
non-infected boob, reeled off what the plan was going to be which included to prescribe
a daily injection to boost my white blood cells for 7 days after my day 1 infusion
and then followed by 7 days of anti-biotics starting from my day 8 infusion to
make sure I didn’t have a repeat performance of developing neutropenia and
infection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was it, all sorted and
before I knew it I was out of the door smiling, almost standing upright and
looking forward to chemo tomorrow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">So much for me taking control!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of me still feels that I would benefit from
another week off treatment, but another part of me is saying ‘get on with it
and get some squatters squashed’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
left wondering how much reduction I would have had ‘IF’ I’d had the full 2 cycles
between my 6 weekly scans, so i’m on a race now to complete the next 2 cycles
without any delays to see how much more cancer can be reduced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still tired, but hopefully the injections
to boost my white blood cells will sort this out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">My normal routing for the night before Chemo has always been
to have a relaxing evening with a nice glass of wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been tea total for 3 wks now and even
though my antibiotics have finished I don’t actually feel in a wine mood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it’s because I’m still run down and
tired or maybe it’s that little voice in my head saying ‘Don’t want a hangover’
I settled instead for a mug of milky Horlicks.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-1371273525758377992012-08-08T15:57:00.000+01:002012-09-28T19:06:20.598+01:00Scans & Trials<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It wasn’t so long ago that I was getting all frustrated and
nervous about being accepted onto a chemotherapy trial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t get the actual trial drug, but being
on the trial means much more to me than just that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It means I will have more regular Scans, will
be more closely monitored and have in return received various different
telephone numbers that I can ring at any time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I have now completed my 2<sup>nd</sup> cycle of chemo and am
happy to report that I am feeling pretty good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Scrap that; I am feeling downright bloody fantastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was unsure whether the tiredness from cycle
1 was down to the lack of steroids that were being shoved down my throat everyday,
and thought that maybe it was all down to the side effects of the Eribulin
chemo, as every joint and muscle in my body was bloody painful too, along with
the sore throat, gums and spotty gob that I had also developed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well!!! I am here today to tell you that you
cannot keep me down in the dumps for long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With the help of the steroids, my energy levels have risen, so much so
that I have been out and about and walking the dog every day, ohh and get
this;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have also dabbled with a bit of
house work too (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">well overdue and hubby
well pleased ha ha</i>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So the Steroids
helped with the tiredness but what about the aches and pains, the mouth sores
and spotty gob?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Amazing how our minds forget, but again Lee hit the nail on
the head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The aches and pains were
nothing to do with the chemo, they were nothing to do with not having or taking
the right amount of pain meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were
all down to the fact that I am receiving the biosphosphonate infusion called
Zometa again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had this for a year in
2009 and the symptoms I had from it then, are exactly the same as I am having
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple of days after infusion, I
get the feeling of having had pure lead poured down every bone in my body to
the point where they feel too heavy to move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To lift a finger its ‘Oach’, to move an arm its ‘Oachee’ and to lift a
leg its ‘Wooo can someone do it for me please’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now I’ve realised this, the aches and pains didn’t seem too bad this
last infusion and just readied myself to have a few lazy days as instructed by
my gorgeous hubby.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The mouth sores and spotty gob are unfortunately a side
effect from the chemo, but I have been given some mouth wash and cream that
would hopefully keep it under control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today, I have one cold sore type of spot left, but the cream is working
wonders at stopping any further ones exploding across my gob on full view for everyone
to stare at whilst having a conversation with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sores inside my mouth have eased to
virtually nothing and just have the dry mouth and nasty metallic taste that
only delving time and time again into the milk carton seems to sooth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Well back to the important stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Scans
and Trials</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have completed my
first 2 cycles of chemo and was scheduled for a CT Scan on Monday (6<sup>th</sup>
Aug) to see how I am responding to the new treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Firstly on Monday I had to be at the hospital for 11.15am
for an ECHO, this has to be done to make sure that the Herceptin isn’t having
an effect on my heart (a big side effect of the drug). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a bit of confusion here; I reached
the department only for them to tell me that I wasn’t booked in and should go
to the other department who did heart scans, which was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">at the other end of the friggin hospital</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well when I got there, I was greeted by my
Breast Nurse who was also having a little problem herself getting my
appointment sorted out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trials can be
strict and when they say a scan or anything has to be done in a certain
time-scale, they mean in that time-scale and not a give or take a couple of
weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Implants and ECHO’s are not a
good combination as the implant can interfere with the images that are required,
but after the Mr Echo Man did his probing and digging deep into my rib cage and
jugular he captured the images that was required and I was free to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span>4<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">.20pm and I back waiting for my CT Scan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily there wasn’t much waiting around this
time and only required 4 stabbings of the needle to get the cannula in for the
radioactive dye to be pushed in, that gives the weird warm feeling as though you
have pee’d myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My veins are totally knackered
and so for the time being I have a nasty looking bruised mess that resembles an
overused junkies arm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lots of TLC and avoidance
of needles for the next 6 weeks and I will have my arm put right ready for the
whole ordeal to start again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I have just come back from my oncologist appointment and still
down right blooming giddy with excitement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I went through the usual of having bloods done and my port flushed
through first, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>followed by lots of questions
of how I have been for the last couple of weeks with my Breast Nurse; meaning the
side effects, had my blood pressure done and was weighed ready for my dose of chemo
to be made up for tomorrow... and then I got the news from Mrs Oncologist who
didn’t beat about the bush at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
responding really really well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So well
infact that even my oncologist sounded like she couldn’t believe my Scan
results.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok so how good are they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bloody
fantastic (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">says me still jumping up and
down like a raving lunatic</i>)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Measurements of the 2 largest lesions in my liver in May were
13x11cm and 11x11cm, after the 9 weeks of no treatment these had increased to
29x24cm and 20x18cm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>6 weeks later and after
just 2 cycles of Eribulin the measurements are now down to a staggering 22x13cm,
and 11x10cm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Massive reduction by nearly
half their sizes and it’s not just those 2 lesions that have shrunk
either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All lesions in my liver have reduced
by nearly half their size.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Get in There”
was Lee’s response whilst he jumped up out of the chair and raised his arm up
into the air as though he were a mad football supporter cheering on after his
team scoring a goal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I on the other
hand was more laid back. Ha ha, not on your nelly, I was fidgeting about with
my stupid grin slapped across my face, itching to get out of there so I could tell
everyone in sight and call everyone on my phone, but before any of that could
be done, Lee and I had to sit, listen and talk about my treatment, side effects
and oooh my steroids. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Why on earth does she want me off the steroids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She took me off them before and I felt
fooking crap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked to go back on them
and have proved that with them, I can live a good healthy active life rather
than curled up on the sofa with not enough energy to even lift a glass of water
to my mouth, and that glass being a teeny weeny glass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even one of the nurses earlier commented on
how well I looked compared to the other week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can walk upright rather being bent over, I’m awake for goodness sake,
i’m eating and laughing and if it wasn’t for the rug on my head or should I say
the baldness that I have, no-one would even know that I have cancer and having
chemo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyways, my Mrs Onc knows best
and for whatever reason I am being weened off the steroids again, but this time
going 8 days between each dose till i’m off them again rather than the 5 days
she did the last time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll just have
to see how I go.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I rang everyone, I text everyone with my good news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt that the chemo was working because the
lump in my neck felt smaller, but I did not expect the result I have just
had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its leading me to think that maybe,
maybe this chemo treatment is the one for me, the one that is going to work at obliterating
every single squatter out of my body and to kingdom come and with the plus side
that the shitty side effects are not that shitty, especially compared to the
capcitabine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I will have to wait for my next MRI to find out how the chemo has worked on the bone metz, but I can imaging that this could be a long wait as I don't have them that often. Bone metz isn't life threatening so the main focus is my organs and making sure the squatters dont breed too much in and around them. For once though I am definately looking forward to my next scan in another 6 weeks to see how many more squatters I have killed. Today </span>is definitely a day for
some celebration time and I am going to do it in style. I am going to chill and relax in front of a good film and enjoy a very large glass of
red wine (<em>or two</em>).</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-49756542355069856812012-07-20T12:04:00.000+01:002012-09-24T12:13:11.558+01:00Hair so Dear<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I cannot believe how much things have changed over the last
5 yrs !!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Let me roll back to 2007 when I was given my first NHS wig
prescription that said to supply ONE WIG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I swapped the prescription for my first wig that would have retailed for
£290. No exchange of money was required as the prescription was for ONE
WIG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then in 2010 and losing my hair
again, I was given another prescription.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Again stating to supply ONE WIG the prescription was swapped for a wig
that would have normally cost £200 but again no money was required.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though wigs aren’t the best of things,
at the time it’s a sort of <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Oooh ta this
is Fabby’ and you walk out of the wiggy shop with a big gleam on your face
thinking that you have just won the best hair-do award by Vidal Sassoon or
something, only to realise that months later it spends half the time being
snuggled up with the dog, draped over the back of the chair, stuck in your
handbag or in my case thrown across the bedroom floor due to the itchy sweaty
feeling that they give you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">It didn’t bother me back then when I lost my hair and let me
tell you it bothers me even less now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m used to not having hair or much of it, but I’ve always had my rug (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wig</i>) as a backup just in case I have
gone out somewhere that I wanted to feel a little more normal (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">if there is such a word for me</i>) and
dressier than the skin head thug or lipstick lesbian that I have also been
called of late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My current rug is well
over 2 yrs old and I’m surprised it’s still wearable with the way I have
treated it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact the wiggy shop lady
was also very surprised with its condition, and that was just based on the fact
that they normal only last for approximately 12 months, before looking so
shabby that the only place they are fit for, is the dogs bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having the same 2 hair styles of skin head or
brown bob for the last 2 years I asked if I was allowed another prescription.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">we
are</i>) entitled to one every year, so I have come to find out now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Ok so the good news is that I am entitled to another NHS
prescription to get myself a new rug (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wig</i>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holding onto my prescription I excitedly rang
the wiggy shop to book an appointment and had all sorts of visions running
through my head; blonde, short, dark, long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The wiggy world was my oyster and I was determined to pick something a
little different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love my current rug
(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">if you can say that about a wig</i>),
wel; I love the style, but with all the treatment I have had, my complexion has
changed and I have been looking rather pasty so I am wanted something a little
lighter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">What a bloody joke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Stupid government cut backs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes
this is where I start to go off on one and start my bloody moaning again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The wig prescriptions are worth diddly shit,
according to wiggy shop lady she said it entitled me to a £66 plus Vat even
though it clearly said to supply ONE WIG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But get this; she said I could pay extra to get any wig in the shop. Woweeeee,
I should think they would allow me to top up out of my own money as the
cheapest wig in there was £180, that looked like a mass of mess than a bloody
hair style.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes she was making out that
she was doing me this great big <s>bloody</s> (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">must should stop using that word</i>) blooming massive favour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I could afford to pay over £100 for a wig
I wouldn’t have to bother with wig prescriptions, even more laughable is that
if I was under the other hospital in the area then the prescription would allow
me more money before having to top up with money that I just don’t have, its
not much more but it’s still more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So
why don’t you transfer to the other hospital?” I was asked by someone after one
of my moans about this subject...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>well
it’s because the other hospital don’t do cancer treatment, they do alopecia. As
if the diagnosis of how we become bald makes any difference. If you’re bald you’re
friggin bald. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikXm8aXJbQct0UA3wtzuCGUtw1T1WMOZeCPnoZvhiHL-wF67_f6QKWTpyXhZSEf_Mo24_4cXhoL8wh8uEf43i5cOAmAVD8ign4nBG3hFRsZMXOd2FIrHyOo4tRtXU6w_R6VeXxO5kkvJw/s1600/537490_3833277586638_1942270305_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikXm8aXJbQct0UA3wtzuCGUtw1T1WMOZeCPnoZvhiHL-wF67_f6QKWTpyXhZSEf_Mo24_4cXhoL8wh8uEf43i5cOAmAVD8ign4nBG3hFRsZMXOd2FIrHyOo4tRtXU6w_R6VeXxO5kkvJw/s1600/537490_3833277586638_1942270305_n.jpg" /></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I was looking forward to getting some new hair especially
now mine has gone again but it was looking like I would have to make do with my
old tatty brown bob that has to be sewn back up every time I wear it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">This is where fb can come in handy, my place of usual day to
day moaning and after posting about the stupid wig palarva it came apparent
that wig prescription values depend on where in the country we live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its
times like this that I start to get angry towards “Dr X” again, if it wasn’t
for her I would still be working, probably wouldn’t have incurable cancer now (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and that is a big probable according to
investigation from an independent oncologist</i>) and would still have money in
the bank for a rainy day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee and I have
used up all our rainy days and live day to day scraping through, borrowing from
Peter to pay Paul sort of thing and have had to go without food several times
until benefits have been paid into our account.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not the sort of eating healthy like they tell you to be whilst having
treatment for cancer is it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I didn’t want to give in and even asked if I could issue 2
prescriptions at once, seeing that I missed out on last year’s prescription,
but Oh bloody no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only one prescription
allowed at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then the most
amazing thing happened.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Facebook friends started sending me messages, wanting to
send me there old wigs or asking me for details on how to get money through to
me, to put towards a wig.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was also
one message wanting to send me £200 to make sure I had a good decent wig,
saying “Don’t just pick any old crap”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now talk about a lump in your throat, there are no words to describe what
I felt, as some of these people were people that I have never met, we had met
online through facebook, never met face to face, never spoken voice to voice,
we were brought together by this awful disease called cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was overwhelmed and couldn’t get over the generosity
and kind heartedness that was coming through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am a proud person and no matter how many times people have tried to
help Lee and I out with cash, donations of any kind, whether it has been to
help towards our bills, give us a day out or in this case to help towards
giving me a great jiggy wiggy hair-do, I just cannot accept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Wigs have been coming through the post left right and centre
and I would firstly like to apologise to all the girls who posted rugs out to
me if I have not worn them, the majority have been way too big to sit on top of
my small child sized head, but will endeavour to do a bit of sewing to reduce
the scalp size and maybe treat them to a little trim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even with all these wigs I was still feeling
a little down in the dumps about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wanted the same wig as before (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">but
lighter</i>)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKPDGXbIpELPoHsawesnkDNbpYpOb0tF5GpThLtJBl5uHDzTfpbP18sUBI-qQuC9uFzJlPRhBOyKxhzTl6RyWA9CV48xNI6htYwR3tQin24EphNSISJsAOrejk2DD-5EDv1CyIHjT6fPA/s1600/527193_4140929917754_1960148690_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKPDGXbIpELPoHsawesnkDNbpYpOb0tF5GpThLtJBl5uHDzTfpbP18sUBI-qQuC9uFzJlPRhBOyKxhzTl6RyWA9CV48xNI6htYwR3tQin24EphNSISJsAOrejk2DD-5EDv1CyIHjT6fPA/s1600/527193_4140929917754_1960148690_n.jpg" /></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The other day after getting dressed to go out shopping, I
pulled out one of the blonde rugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
shook it, pulled a face and thought ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This
is so not me’ </i>plonked it on my head and stood at the top of the stairs in
front of the mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Wow Sexy!” is all
I heard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked down to see Lee stood
at the bottom, smiling up at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk
about giving you a boost of confidence, well lets not go over the top but, at
least it gave me the confidence to walk out of the house with the new look rug
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fringe was way too long but I
have to admit, I enjoyed being a blonde for the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee’s mum came round “woooo I like that”
Lee’s Aunty came round “Wow is that really a wig, it looks so real”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All these complements were just what I
needed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: #262626;">I have now got a different array of looks, depending on how
I feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To top that off I also found a
another place where I live that also accept NHS prescriptions called ‘</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.yell.com/b/Beauty+Spot+Cosmetics-Hairpieces+and+Wigs-nottingham-NG75NH-4209039/"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: #444444;">Beauty
Spot Cosm</span>e</span><span style="color: #444444;">tics’</span></a></i><span style="color: #262626;"> They stock what I would call more of a fashion wig than
the state of the heart one’s but don’t cost the earth ranging from around £20
each.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>came out of there with 2 long blonde rugs in exchange for my one
prescription and one of them is nearly identical to what my hair used to be
before I lost it back in 2007 and get this; that wig is called ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Old
Hair’</i></b> ha ha...</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I know everyone deals with hairloss differently, but my
latest ordeal just goes to prove that you don’t have to go with a style or
colour that you’re used to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wigs also
change shape slightly once you wear them, so give them a little time to settle
to your head shape. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have fun with them
and make them work for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwWoLNEGsIHipu2XEXZ7J3LEzf9aJmgKJJWcjJLfZUq0m_UJUHhDTG9bSpKtRnaJMyonuamlaXGDDbQjwrDucuCMrjgAcQelk3sRzvq-sOgDtKeulComn7Su-FrbZW4afSia4z4aBK7HQ/s1600/302360_419913458055292_1286681241_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwWoLNEGsIHipu2XEXZ7J3LEzf9aJmgKJJWcjJLfZUq0m_UJUHhDTG9bSpKtRnaJMyonuamlaXGDDbQjwrDucuCMrjgAcQelk3sRzvq-sOgDtKeulComn7Su-FrbZW4afSia4z4aBK7HQ/s320/302360_419913458055292_1286681241_n.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;"><em>top wig, bottom real</em></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
</blockquote>
</blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-19455004508199475552012-07-11T14:17:00.001+01:002012-07-11T14:17:10.191+01:00Eribulin Chemo & Hair<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Eribulin Chemo is still quite a new drug and hasn’t too long
ago finished trials with outcomes of amazing results.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like any cancer patient, we always tell
ourselves that this is the one, this is the one to work, to kill the cancer,
and hopefully put us into remission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
reality though its very different and through my fight so far has realised that
what can work for one person just doesn’t work for another and vice versa,
which is a big factor as to why there is still no cure for cancer.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I am hopeful and have put my mind back into a positive,
rather than the way my mind was working with the Capcitabine and the
Vinorelbine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes I know, I have been in
a bad place, I have wanted to not wake up in a morning, I have said many times
that I have had enough and can’t do this anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But after having 9 weeks off treatment it is
amazing how good one can feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel alive,
happy and want to live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have improved
day by day and have seen the old me, and even though I thought my oncologist
mean for not giving the go ahead for treatment to start due to my pain, I can
see why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was totally utterly upset at
the time but he was right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had
started chemo then, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body wouldn’t have been able to handle it
with all the aches and pains and my mind definitely wouldn’t have been able to
handle it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">What surprised me about the Eribulin is the amount of time
it takes to administer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Firstly though;
I have to say very excitedly that I did not have to hang around for the 6 hours
after the Herceptin loading dose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very
exciting moment I can tell you, but I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered anyway
as I slept the whole time my treatment was being administered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, so what about the Eribulin?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait for it... the total time it takes to
administer is.... is a staggering... 5 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oh my friggin aunt, I couldn’t stop laughing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because it’s still a newish drug, my nurses
had to research some information on it, and was told with a big smile that it’s
not too invasive and doesn’t damage the veins like most chemo’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that this would matter anyway, cos I have
my good old life line, my portacath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Its not too invasive, but its still invasive enough to kill off my hair
follicles and turn me into what Lee is now saying a bowling ball and is even
threatening to draw 3 black dots on my head for the finger holes because of my
humongous overgrown steroid cheeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Side effects of the Eribulin is</i></b>; I don’t have a clue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was issued with a DVD which explains
everything but I havn’t watched it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jo
my nurse told me the main side effects as like with most chemo’s; hair loss,
muscle and joint pain, nausea, tiredness and low blood count, so I know to keep
a check on my temperature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want
to know what the side effects are, I don’t want to put them all in my head
because let’s face it, lists of side effects go on and on and on and if there
in my head then I will most probably frickin get them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would rather wait and see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not daft (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> sorry to disappoint</i>) but I know the main things to look out for,
temperature being at a high priority and keeping them dam infections away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It was late on the Friday evening following my Day 1 chemo
day while watching TV that I said to Lee “I think they’ve given me a placebo” I
didn’t feel any different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was still
on a high, had no nausea, no tiredness or anything. I was feeling frickin
great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then Saturday morning it hit
me... oooh friggin crap... I couldn’t open my eyes, I was so dam tired which
resulted in me sleeping for most of the day on the sofa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This tiredness carried on, which Lee pointed
out that it could be down to finishing the steroids that I had been on for the
pain control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good point and made a note
of it to discuss on my next chemo day.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">My next Chemo day was on Wednesday 4<sup>th</sup> July.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was still very tired and was thankful that
the chemo was along one of 5 minutes to administer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes I still can’t can’t get over the time it
takes and have probably bored the living day lights out of everyone by
repeating myself over and over again ”<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Its takes 5 bloody minutes</i></b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I came away with a bag full of steroids,
maybe the tiredness is down to coming off them or it could be the chemo, but by
having some more it will tell me either way.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Unfortunately I don’t think it was the lack of steroids that
are causing the tiredness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still
tired and other side effects have crept in, to the point that I have had to
take an additional instant relief pain killer every 4 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not in great discomfort or pain, well not
to the extent that I am shouting and swearing at people to take the dam pain
away because it’s so bad, but I am so stiff and achy and have turned back into
the old geriatric lady trying to get up out of a chair and walk across the
floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t eat due to mouth sores
and the mouth sores down my throat are making it very difficult for me to get
my pain meds down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My gums are burning
constantly, my stomach is burning, my hands have no feeling and all I want to
do is sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh here we go again; I’m
having a down moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry, but yes I
am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t call this a fight
because its easy, they call it a fight because it is a hard bloody fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is my life now, constantly on treatment
to control my cancer and give me a longer life, but at the same time makes me
feel like shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not like it was
back in 2007 when I was having treatment to make me cancer free, which was
short term shittyness, I am now on long term, the rest of my life shittyness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have asked myself time and time again what
is more important; quality or quantity?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I keep coming up with the same answer, and that is quality, I would
rather have 6 months with quality in my life than 10 yrs of feeling utterly
crap all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s when I feel so shitty that I want to stop
treatment and let nature takes its course, but in my head I know<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know I have to keep on fighting because one day that cure may be
found.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went 9 wks without treatment
and had the fear in the back of my mind that the cancer was growing out of
control, so that has to tell me that I want to keep fighting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">My hair started to shed on Monday, it wasn’t too bad and was
ok unless I ran my fingers through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yesterday though was a totally different ball game, flying into my eyes,
up my nose and everywhere that I crawled to even giving Lee lots of helpings in
his mug of coffee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Stop doing that I’ve just cleaned
up</i></b>” was Lee’s favourite sentence throughout the day from me combing my
fingers through my hair more and more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was trying to hang onto it for a lovely friend to come and dye it bright
electric blue with shimmering pink tips, you know, to have one last blast with
my staggering 2 inches before it had to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was also planning on giving my Bessie mate Pauline the job to buzz it
all off, which I thought would freak her out immensely, but was shocked when
she said, if that’s what I wanted she would be honoured to do it for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to take the bull by the horns and get
rid, so last night I got the scissors and chopped it all off as close as I
could to my scalp and then ran the clippers through it, giving me the GI Jane
or Skinhead Thug look or any other look that people might associate it
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitbaFU70AzwBZYPzLl34VpfXAXYp3rztcZXR14Pc0J4QHCmLwzikp8_fT0VB55fcmSLt6MXYUrZeXvbXw-eCuwKR_OeOyRrmxxaFwSWvraegBV_9Cxurnr45G3Boh9n-eS_nUdxULH0uM/s1600/skinhead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitbaFU70AzwBZYPzLl34VpfXAXYp3rztcZXR14Pc0J4QHCmLwzikp8_fT0VB55fcmSLt6MXYUrZeXvbXw-eCuwKR_OeOyRrmxxaFwSWvraegBV_9Cxurnr45G3Boh9n-eS_nUdxULH0uM/s320/skinhead.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I have had a lot to contend with over the last week and last
couple of days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have woken up this
morning and frightened myself half to death from seeing a Skinhead Thug staring
at me in my bathroom before realising it was actually me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My stomach is still burning, I still feel
like shit, but I am feeling much better today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have a week to build myself back up before chemo again and God Dam it,
I am going to build back up, I have my fighting head on, the punching gloves
are bigger than ever and Dam it, I am going to get out of this house tonight..
The dobba’s are at the ready... Bingo here I come lol</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-5964436216236580792012-06-25T14:09:00.000+01:002012-07-11T14:12:05.570+01:00Wanting Chemo<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Just over 9 wks ago I had the news that my treatment wasn’t
working due to progression showing in my liver and spine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been an up and down roller coaster
since then trying to get my new treatment plan organised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought by signing the declaration for the
Trial immediately would have got things moving more quickly, but how friggin
wrong was I.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Firstly I was delayed due to being admitted to hospital with
severe pain caused by the radiotherapy that was given to my spine and then my
oncologist said he wouldn’t give the go ahead for treatment until pain was
managed and controlled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Due to the CT
Scan department taking it upon themselves to tell me that I couldn’t have the
full body scan done that was requested due to my last one being just weeks ago
I had to wait for another appointment to come through as it was a necessity to
get onto the Trial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily, Jo my nurse
was on the case and managed to get me on the cancelation list.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I had the extra CT Scan along with checking my little old
brain again; which I am proud to say that I still have one. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the Bone Scan and the ECHO (heart
Scan).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had all the blood tests done,
my height taken along with my ever growing weight and so you would think that
it would just be a simple <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">put my name into the computer to find out if
I was picked for the Trial Drug or the Physicians Choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>But Oh No!,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>apparently my original tissue sample from my
mastectomy back in 2007 could not be found (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and
is still missing) </i>and so another sample was sent in which did not show the
criteria that was needed and so I was refused from the trial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My nurse was very apologetic and relayed all
the information onto me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily, I
still had the C3 vertebra that was removed in 2009 to be sent off, my nurse
said that this sample should show the correct criteria of having a metastatic
breast cancer that is HER2 positive, but due to timelines of scans etc... this
meant that if the testing of my sample wasn’t approved quickly then my ECHO
needed to be redone and so I was on the waiting game once again, but this time
with the anxiety that I could be rejected from the trial.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">On Wednesday 20<sup>th</sup> June, I spoke to my nurse who said
that the Trial company still hadn’t approved my sample and gave me an
appointment for the ECHO to be on Friday the 22<sup>nd</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Me being me; has to know things and over the
phone asked her if the results of my CT scan were ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t forget I have gone 9 weeks without any
treatment what so ever since the last CT scan and so the anxiety of the friggin
squatters getting out of control and taking residence in my lungs, kidneys or
any other organ in my body were definitely a big factor that was going around
inside my little old brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Big sigh of
relief after hearing my nurse tell me that there was no further progression
apart from slight growth in my liver, which to be honest was expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Half an hour later and my nurse rang back... My oncologist
wanted to see me, and I was given an appointment for the following day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cripes!! ... I was up in Yorkshire at my
mum’s so had to get Lee to come and pick me up early in the morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My stomach was churning, why does my
oncologist want to see me? Is there something in my CT Scan? Has it spread to
other organs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mind is a very
dangerous place especially when you know there are results to go through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee said the appointment is probably to go
through my treatment plan, and like he has done for the past 5 yrs, told me not
to worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">That night was a terrible night, I daren’t take a sleeping
tablet because I knew I had to be up early and so I tossed and turned most of
the night, with the time being 5.30am the last time I glanced at the
clock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was shattered and to say that I
had butterflies in my stomach was a big humongous understatement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Lee was right! Come to think of it, he’s always right but
please don’t tell him I said that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
oncologist appointment was to discuss my treatment plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Scan results were good and showed slight
progression in the liver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No other
organs affected by my bloody ugly squatters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We discussed the loss of my original tissue sample (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">still not been found</i>) and decided the treatment I would have if I
was picked out for the Physicians Choice (<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">IV chemo of Eribulin)</i></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also signed the consent form for the
Eribulin just incase I was rejected for the Trial of TDM-1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Lee and I came out of there with the big feeling that the
appointment was to prepare me for being rejected for the Trial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hense my oncologist saying, “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">there
isn’t always enough tissue to test from a bone sample” </i></b>along with
having me sign for the Eribilin chemo too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Mixed emotions again and back on the waiting game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I so want the TDM-1 trial drug, who wouldn’t,
the results so far have been amazing and is currently being called the New
Wonder Drug, on the other side what is most important to me right now is
actually being approved for the trial as this means that I will be watched and
monitored more closely and so any further spread will be caught early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have read up on the Eribulin Chemo which
sounds to be another good drug too, this has just recently finished trials and
has had amazing results, but... yes there is a but... if I have this one, it
will mean that my 2yrs of hair growth from the last IV chemo, my staggering 2
inches of growth because the Capcitabine and the Navelbine delayed and stopped growth
would inevitably fall out, turning me into the bald Kazza with the humongous
cheeks from the steroids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever the
outcome, treatment will commence next week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Luckily I am approved for the trial, another obstacle over come and one
obstacle to go.. Do I get the Trial Drug Of TDM-1 or not?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Monday 25<sup>th</sup> June and my phone rings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know straight away who it is and answer the
call with my heart paused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hearing Jo’s
voice, I knew straight away and butted in quite quickly “I havn’t got it have
I?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jo seemed to be more disappointed
than me, it has taken what seems forever to get me on the trial and at the last
obstacle, the computer didn’t pick me for the drug anyway.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Am I disappointed?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said the
main thing for me was to be on the trial so that I am more closely monitored,
plus treatment will be given in the Research department rather than the normal
Chemo Day Unit, meaning less hanging around, waiting and delays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Chemo is set for Wednesday at 10.30am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will have the Eribulin Chemo on Day 1,
again on Day 8 out of every 21 day cycle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will also have the loading dose of Herceptin again which will be given
every 3 weeks, but am hoping that because I have done the loading dose twice
before over the last 5yrs that they don’t keep me hanging around for the 6
hours to keep an eye on me incase of a reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For my second cycle of chemo, it is also
being sorted for me to go back onto IV biosphosphonate, the bondrant tablet
that I thave taken for the last 3 yrs will stop and I will have once again
Zometa</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-26916862818670451022012-06-06T14:40:00.000+01:002012-09-21T15:01:48.017+01:00Fabby Times & Fabby Friends<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">As you know, the last couple of weeks/months have been a bit
of a yo yo, which I might add ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the bit’</i>
has to be the biggest understatement ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For those of you who don’t know me that well, this is where you will
realise that I got the nick name ‘Mad Kazza’ for a reason, cos you just can’t
keep this gal down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, so lately it
seems all i’ve had is bad news or friggin hassle, but not anymore, cos I’m
back, and all this good stuff started just a couple of hours after being given
the shit news that the cancer had spread into all my bones with the exception
of my 2 arms and 1 leg, when I went for the pub lunch with Pauline.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">So where do we start with the other good stuff, Mmmm well
let me think... Ohh yeah as if I can forget especially with this blog being
totally based on what I am going to tell you... I received a text from a very
good friend up in Scotland saying, “Hiya Kazza, what you doing Bank Holiday
Monday?” with me being slow and all, totally blonde, even though I’m dark now,
I text back “nowt much I’m boring, having you got anything exciting
planned?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of the British Population
was busy organising street and garden parties for the jubilee celebrations, but
Lee and I were quite content in having a lazy time and getting me fit and ready
for when my new treatment starts. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">When you have great friends, it doesn’t matter where they
live as Lulu and Gill had decided to do the Thelma & Louise Trip (a trip
Pauline & I did last January), they were; get this....... ‘Driving down to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My
House </i></b>all the way from Scotland’ now how friggin great is that.. Its
more than great... it’s super duper fandabadozy frickin brilliant, and get
practicing with the wine drinking time even though I’m not supposed to touch
alcohol with the pain meds that I’m on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Well Bank Holiday Monday arrived, I was like a giddy
youngster on Christmas Eve, Texting Lulu & Gill constantly throughout the
day and then relaying onto Pauline, Gemma and Dawn, who were already at
Pauline’s and drinking Vodka and Wine by 3pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Laying back in the bath for a long soak when you have a
bloody painful back, ribs and neck sure isn’t a good idea and then walking
around in the exact same shape of the bath is not my idea of looking super hot
on a night out, not to mention not being able to get my arms up to style the 1
inch of my extensively long hair... 90 yr old geriatric springs to mind, but at
least I still had my rug as a backup.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEslUgO-XJ4jcOIL5aWXxZLmjnL5NXWz5DQClfgFa0ooo7KR4wF3PbQoVO7PZlzs34IAFdNMXzmKmWMs9ovgxX21qMmUJkkcjESkzX3lqfpStFnK9X-hy1aSkXWEYljPuQklFcHJKiQCc/s1600/545854_3838091106973_1535144846_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEslUgO-XJ4jcOIL5aWXxZLmjnL5NXWz5DQClfgFa0ooo7KR4wF3PbQoVO7PZlzs34IAFdNMXzmKmWMs9ovgxX21qMmUJkkcjESkzX3lqfpStFnK9X-hy1aSkXWEYljPuQklFcHJKiQCc/s320/545854_3838091106973_1535144846_n.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The fabulous Pauline, Dawn & Gem dragged themselves
round to my house by 5pm where we polished off (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I think</i>) 4 bottles of wine, whilst waiting for our Scotty Buddies
to arrive sitting in the sunshine of my back garden, and of course gave us lots
of opportunities for a photo shoot lol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dawn
was half shot, Gem was totally off her rocker, Pauline to me had some catching
up to do, and me!! Well, I had some serious catching up to do too, but didn’t
want to overdo it in case the mix of my pain meds and alcohol didn’t mix too
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you can imagine there were lots
of screaming and squealing going off from my back garden when our lovely Scotty
Girls arrived with hugging and giggling going off constantly between sips of
wine before we headed off into town.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA2L3uZUexB4HLW3mzI-Li6MMuMe6zrGHxvFISZXlhPayNXShHCBYM_FrfKkN5Kzc_RklyI4VhTxerls2S1kzO930NZ3AyyMSMZzcM-sR-dja9h46_EFc4xpFKSf29hpmjPKMdypbnYiY/s1600/181891_10150880336931094_1927621510_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA2L3uZUexB4HLW3mzI-Li6MMuMe6zrGHxvFISZXlhPayNXShHCBYM_FrfKkN5Kzc_RklyI4VhTxerls2S1kzO930NZ3AyyMSMZzcM-sR-dja9h46_EFc4xpFKSf29hpmjPKMdypbnYiY/s320/181891_10150880336931094_1927621510_n.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I have to say that the whole evening was fantastic and
sitting in an all you can eat Chinese Restaurant, complete with a scrummy
chocolate fountain that we literally had to stop Dawn from going under head
first later in the evening, was just the perfect place for 6 mad women,
especially when we were seated at table laid out for 8.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the perfect setting and after we
ordered 2 extra glasses and drawing smiley faces on 2 serviettes, our table was
complete with our 2 absent friends Hazel MacSwan and Sharon Jenkins who sadly
lost their fight to breast cancer, but will always be a part of us and be
remembered always.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">You know, sitting, eating and drinking, I felt normal for
the first time in ages.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t have
any pain accept when I had to get up out of my chair and grab more food or walk
across the floor to the ladies room, which I think if I had seen my reflection,
I would have freaked cos I could swear I would have still seen the shape of my
bath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Serious conversation was like
passing ships in the night, a rare thing as the laughter roured from us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lulu’s wig was going in all directions, mine
I couldn’t care less if it was on backwards, and the amount we all ate, I am
surprised we could fit through the doors as we left.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It was getting late when we left the restaurant, and headed
for the pubs, stopping by at the Square Lions for a photo shoot opportunity,
something that Pauline and I have to do every time we hit the town.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally the climbing up on the Lion is
something that I have done time and time again with my kinky boots that had a 5
inch stiletto heal, but sadly since my back has gotten worse, Lee my very
thoughtful hubby has thrown out ALL my heeled shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yup, all heals gone, dust binned, cappoof
vanished to none existence, so not do I have to walk around with the 1 inch
height loss from my spine compression, but look a dam lot bloody smaller
without my heals, making me look like a bloody junior school child with
wrinkles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every picture I tried to take
of the girls on the Lion came out blurred from the jiggy laughing bit that my
whole body was doing, from seeing Lulu trying to climb up on the bloody
thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was as though someone had
smeared it with grease making it the main event of a ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s a Knockout Contest’</i></b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>up one minute and then sliding down again sideways
the next, and at one point I even thought about charging the passersby to view
the spectacle of seeing 6 nutty woman going mad with a lion.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Once we hit the pub, we got plonked down and took up
residence for the remainder of the evening, ordering cocktails of Malibu mixed
with Vodka and Red Bull and let me tell you, that Red Bull stuff really really works,
and does give you wings, another one of them and I would have been doing the
friggin can can off the tables and spiralling round doing the pole dancing
thing in the middle of the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok,
slight exaggeration there but at least my mind was working to even think about
it lol, my body may not be capable of that now, but it would have been a damn
good laugh if I had tried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Panic Stations.... Pauline realised that we had left Hazel
and Sharon in the Restaurant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some hosts
we were hey, having the girls down from Scottyland and losing half of em,
especially when we had only been to 2 places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dawn came to the rescue and shouted at the top of her voice “There here
in my bag” Hazel and Sharon were safe and joined us yet again for another
drink.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Lee came to pick us up, from the corner of where we thought
Lulu and Gills Hotel was, and after Lulu’s wigs did its rounds on everyone’s
head and we’d hugged each other for the millionth time, Lee had the very brave
job of driving us home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its amazing how
conversations flow when alcohol is in the equation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Poor Lee had to endure the topic of pubic
hair loss through chemo from Dawn, Gem and Pauline, poor bugger, I couldn’t
stop laughing and I know it had a great impact on Lee as he kept asking me
which one kept talking about pubes for most of the following day.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I can’t believe that I had my Scotty Buddies at the wrong
friggin hotel, but luckily they didn’t have too far to go and after a nice
alcohol free lunch the following day my lovely girls were headed back for home.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I</span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"> had a fantastic time and really appreciate Lulu & Gill
travelling all that way to see me and I totally understand why they wanted to
come, because I did the long 7 hour journey myself for the same reason last
year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When someone you love to bits, has
news that isn’t good, especially when cancer is concerned, you panic and just
have to see for yourself that they are indeed OK and not just saying it over a
phone line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did it with Sharon, and I
am soo thankful that I went through to see her as it was just 3 months later we
lost our shining star.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its times like
this that you realise who your real friends are, each of these girls have stuck
by me every step of the way, through the bad as well as the good, which of late
seems to have been that a lot of friends have disappeared whilst I have been in
a bad place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I may have removed
myself from them, but I stand by my decision, a true friend will keep bugging
you to submission, just like my valued friends have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Thank you girls, its was just what I needed and I wuvs ya
trillions xxx</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj0jxJHPwa8evOMPVOX1ibzfCIt1VVI3wzkOvcvroSpnEGm8cPRVfmZJSZK3RAIDFfvAVHk-uRmSDY-oKeJvyXf98hBJ_melFm-zHyRILb9wG1NOV_b_WIQY9M59vAangJ7UXhJSObp_M/s1600/601438_3838106987370_2105487113_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj0jxJHPwa8evOMPVOX1ibzfCIt1VVI3wzkOvcvroSpnEGm8cPRVfmZJSZK3RAIDFfvAVHk-uRmSDY-oKeJvyXf98hBJ_melFm-zHyRILb9wG1NOV_b_WIQY9M59vAangJ7UXhJSObp_M/s320/601438_3838106987370_2105487113_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-33025154126030613102012-06-03T19:45:00.003+01:002012-06-03T19:56:39.522+01:00Bone Metz Gone Mad !<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl0p_4jXLbjuty8owrTpLBZ1Lu8tOqUAPIr29hV7BgsCTOA0EtFirsTEz35cHlceHD0WLiq7931DezAE6-sFJ5Ggvnw8BaqB5Noqs2jxpabmRljkQV2wBl0lYxozv_f63nPvtl_ULJTmQ/s1600/Cancer+Sucks+Graphic-500x666.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl0p_4jXLbjuty8owrTpLBZ1Lu8tOqUAPIr29hV7BgsCTOA0EtFirsTEz35cHlceHD0WLiq7931DezAE6-sFJ5Ggvnw8BaqB5Noqs2jxpabmRljkQV2wBl0lYxozv_f63nPvtl_ULJTmQ/s320/Cancer+Sucks+Graphic-500x666.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The thing with medical reports is you just havn’t got a
bloody clue what they are talking about.
Ok so we know that I have further progression, but where is the further
progression. Saying ‘Hemipelves’ to me
means diddly shit, and so I was very lucky that this lovely oncologist took
time with me to explain what everything meant.
Today also taught me why there are so many delays with appointment
times, because even though I was 2 hours late getting in, I didn’t leave the
hospital until 4pm and spent approximately one hour with my oncologist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">CT Scan (But need a
new one)<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I was told that there was slight progression, but to see it
in writing shows me what is actually happening. This report is compared with the previous scan
dated on the 1<sup>st</sup> March 2012. the
biggest lesion on the right lobe is 13x11mm and a new large lesion measures 11
x11mm. So it’s not too bad, they are
still small.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">There is some emphysematous change in both lungs
particularly in the upper lobes, which means; there is an abnormal increase in
the size of the air spaces in my lungs, resulting in laboured breathing and an
increased susceptibility to infection.
There is no evidence of metz.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">MRI of Spine<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Spinal surgery between C2 and C4 is noted with no
significant change in the appearance compared with previous Scan image. This means that my metal bionic parts are
still intact. This report states that
there is Extensive bony metz disease throughout the spine including the lower
thoracic and lumbar. The appearance of
disease has progressed with an increase in size and number of metz. Degenerative changes are also present in the
lumbar and a mild prosterior disc bulge at the L5/S1 vertebral level.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Whole Body Bone Scan<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">There is multiple additions of increased activity consistent
of bony metz. Even though my oncologist
went through this with me, my brain could not hold on to the information and so
with the wonders of Google I have been able to pin point where the metz are. Sites
involved include; </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The skull vault and the whole of my spine all the way from
the Cervical to the Lumbar. Both Sacral
Alae, Both Hemipelves including the Acetabulum, Ischium and inferior pubic bone
and iliac bone, some big meaningless words there aint there to us normal none
medical folk, anyone in a nut shell they are all in the hip area of our big
skeleton. There is also disease in the Left
femur (top leg) in the intertrochanteric region, which is in the top part and
femur head is affected, which again is all closely tied to the area of my hips.
Increased activity is seen in left
coraacoid and gelnoid protions of my left shoulder and further area of focal
uptake is seen at the left suborbital ridge, which is the bony ridge<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white;">located above the eye sockets</span>.
There is activity in right, acetabulum and ischium extending into
the infereiour pubic remus, which again is all in the hip area. My left sternoclavicular joint represents
degenerative changes which is the joint between the sternum (chest bone) and
collarbone. The cancer has also
progressed to the bilateral ribs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So there we have it. As soon as my oncoligst told me places, it
explained to me what had been happening.
You see, I have complained about my left hip especially over the last couple of months,
and said it felt like my hip was going to dislocate, this is the side that it
is in my femur ball. Unfortuanetly CT
scans just don;t show up bone properly.
Then there is the times that I have been in hospital for pain in and around
my chest, I have had scans on my lungs, but maybe some of the pain that I had
and defiantly the pain that I am having lately, is connected with the bony metz
of the ribs.. I can’t sneeze cos it bloody hurts and I can’t cough, but yet I
can take in long shallow breaths that don’t effect me, as the pain that I have
doesn’t seem to feel internal. The pubic
bone area for example, intercourse has been a little uncomfortable, so again is
this why. Then there has been my latest
moaning of having migranes without the headache. No headache appears but yet my left eye,
becomes blurred and I get that tunnel double vision, stars moving around like
nutters, making it impossible to see due to them being right in the line of
sight. It doesn’t last long, maybe
between 5 and 30 minutes, but it is so bloody annoying, especially when I can’t
see my iphone to check my facebook ha ha.
(have to get my priority’s in order don’t I)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">--------------------------</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The news of my results, shocked everyone, and I am please
and thankful that my mum held it together for me when I phoned her. I tried to make it as light hearted as
possible whilst telling her and used her knowledge of being an ex nurse (<i>which was before I was born</i>) by trying
to read out the blooming great big medical jargon that was typed up on the
report. I think it lightened the mood
and rather than my mum thinking Oh crap, she had to use her brain on trying to
think of where the areas were. Good side
tracking me thoughts. We had a bit of a
giggle too, Have you tried saying these words out loud, and on top of being
super dozily drugged up on morphine meds, I finished up having to spell the
fookers. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Lee took the news quite well, and for the first time posted
on his facebook, asking for his friends to say a prayer for me. Big huge turn around here, as when I met Lee
all those years ago in 2003, he wasn’t what you call a believer. He beloved and didn’t believe if you know
what I mean, he was more of a person that needed proof that things existed, he
need to see things, but for this last 5 yrs, his whole attitude has changed in
that department. I would like to thank
his friends for their comments to him; you really did make a difference. I would also like to thank all my fb friend
too not to mention my mum and family and my special little circle of amazingly close
friends. I know it’s times like this it’s
hard, but as I said, it wasn’t all bad news.
The good news is that I can start treatment to start killing off my
squatters and the super duper good news is that the progression is still in my
bones. Better there than going out of
control in my liver or spreading to another organ. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So after talking things through with Lee and then after my
phone call with my mum, what did I do next.
Did I sit and dwell on the fact that the bone metz has gone mad. Yeah I’m not chuffed about it, who would be,
especially with the skull part cos its a bit too close to my brain for my
liking. Did I then call the next person
on my list to of contacts to be informed?
Nope, I left my mum and Lee to do that.
I did what I do best. I got
changed, put on a bit of slap and went to the Pub ha ha... Pauline picked me up
and we went to the bloody pub for a carvery and a huge glass of wine. Now thats how you do it aint it. We had a fab time, chatting and stuffing our faces
with 3 different meats and tons and tons of veggies all topped off with a Yorkshire
pudding and onion gravey. Thank you Pauline,
your a star. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Whilst am on the thank you moment, I have to thank my sexy
gorgeous hubby, he is the most perfect man I have ever had the privilege of
knowing, I have no idea how he has put up with me especially over the last
month or so cos I have been one super bitch with a biggest anger management
problem ever. He has took it on the chin
whilst I have snapped at him for no reason what so ever, he has listened to me moan, stood there whilst
I ignored him (not on purpose but when my mind has gone elsewhere) but yet he
has not moaned about my behaviour once.
He smiled and given me comfort at all times, he has done all the
housework, done the shopping, taking the dogs out, the list goes on and I just
wanted to say that I am the luckiest woman alive to have such a kind,
considerate, sexy, gorgeous husband. And
Lee, I love you with all my heart MmWhaaa xxx</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-36063135706578748002012-06-02T19:03:00.000+01:002012-06-03T19:52:56.610+01:00The Good, Bad & Ugly<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaLFyQ_G8fbyxatjSUFKkcTQT0nH2Le2mK8EB831aBID8t_mCnj_iuSXGUQyrPDFbm0paMa9yi-6ktEoi4pAYysv9ia7ND3unwvZDdkq8PBIzAuwh4qYi_XgBKkw7lGO_zYkYk9hC0xtw/s1600/3484940580_535f25702d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaLFyQ_G8fbyxatjSUFKkcTQT0nH2Le2mK8EB831aBID8t_mCnj_iuSXGUQyrPDFbm0paMa9yi-6ktEoi4pAYysv9ia7ND3unwvZDdkq8PBIzAuwh4qYi_XgBKkw7lGO_zYkYk9hC0xtw/s320/3484940580_535f25702d.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">First things first, Pain is getting better. My legs are starting to feel like mine again,
with the main area of pain being in my back and around the back of my rib cage
area, which probably wasn’t helped by leaning over from my sun lounger to pick
up my very large glass of larger shandy.
I remedied that immediately and took on the help of my super hubby who
has kindly lifted or positioned my glass carefully for me to be able to drink
it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The Week has had lots of ups and downs, but life
is like that isn’t it. Life wouldn’t be
life it was all good, cos the bad stuff is there for us to learn from.. mind
you there are people out there that even after falling in shit pop up smelling
of roses, but they are a myth cos if anyone tells me that a person has nothing
but good stuff happen then they are living in a dream world.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Monday was planned for me to get a bit more
active; I had until Thursday to pick up, sort my pain out and prove to my
Oncologist that I am fit enough for chemo. And so putting priorities in order,
Off to B&Q Lee and I went. Stuff the
house, cos in this glorious sunshine, my garden needed a bit of attention. It took me all day to plant 12 bedding
plants, so don’t expect much in the flower department for those of you who
visit my garden, a few splits of my ground cover stuff later and a wonderful
bird feeding box that Lee made over our waterfall filter box has finished it off lovely. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I am naturally nosey, and so when a letters come
through the post, I open them ALL, even Lee’s which he doesn’t mind at all cos
he just can’t be doing with endless amounts of junk mail. Let’s face it; we use the postal service
today for birthday’s and Christmas cards, and all that is remaining is the
endless amounts of bills and junk mail, with the addition of in my case, Hospital
Appointment. Gone are the days of letter writing with the good old internet and
email service... (still not sure if that is a good thing or not). I opened what I thought to be a hospital
appointment and like the blog title says, it was ‘<b>Good and Bad and Ugly’ </b>the good was that it was a copy of the
letter that my oncologist had sent to my GP and the Hospice about my pain
control, so at least they are on the case and now just waiting to hear when my
appointments will be. The bad bit in it was
it had now been written down that I would not be able to have any more chemo
until pain had been controlled and my fitness level had improved. Bad and Ugly part is; as you all know, I have
treated my cancer diagnosis like a bloody bad flu virus that is as stubborn as
myself and have majority of the time called it <b>‘the Squatters’, </b>bloody downright ugly vermin squatters that I have
been trying to evict for the past 5 yrs.<b>
</b>All
this time, reports of always said Liver and Bone Metz present. I don’t have large tumours, I have lots of
small ones, which to me has been a good thing, but today’s letter read
EXTENSIVE and so got me thinking about my so called squatters a little
different. It was a word that started to
make me ask myself ‘<b>How Extensive is it?’
</b>and because I couldn’t answer, for some reason thought Lee would know the
answer and plague him annoying with the constant questioning. Like all this, I tried to put the letter out
of sight and out of mind, and got my ‘What’s the point in worrying until you
know there is something to worry about’ attitude, but every dull ache, twinge
or agonising shoot of pain, made me think of it and wondered if everyone was
something to do with the squatters. I
suppose the upside to being on such strong pain relief is that half the time
your too zombie’d out to even care, and between you and me, i took a couple
extra to be on the safe side. Not that
it worked when it came to bed time as i have suddenly developed an internal
alarm clock that is going off at 3am on the dot, even with the help of the good
old sleeping tablets.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYMic74NvVrWOd0JVUNdnClB3lx1jumezdr2ymaOT-Qcrp3E2oanPo31IvhV7lqir4yvwNScvG9WF0Ox8xGGlS5BKFm5At0qsjt-8Z51C4wH0O-ay50kiL-7og6667FYdFIkoon88yEF8/s1600/junk-food-monster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYMic74NvVrWOd0JVUNdnClB3lx1jumezdr2ymaOT-Qcrp3E2oanPo31IvhV7lqir4yvwNScvG9WF0Ox8xGGlS5BKFm5At0qsjt-8Z51C4wH0O-ay50kiL-7og6667FYdFIkoon88yEF8/s200/junk-food-monster.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Having all these scans, Lee said could be scary,
he told me to prepare that they could show up something and that the squatters
could have spread. He is feeling it I
know, cos it’s the first time really that he is trying to prepare me for
hearing something new and from seeing me in so much pain, has brought it to the
forefront of him that things CAN and probably will get a lot worse than they
already are, especially with having so many bloody scans all at one time. I understand him, cos I go through this
every time I have a result from one scan, , its normal to think you may get bad
news, its normal to wonder if the C has moved somewhere else, and definitely normal
when you are in constant pain that no matter how much pain relief you have
still won’t go away. I think we prepare
our mind for the worst, so that if it does come back bad news, it’s not so much
as a shock to us, and don’t flip out into the big crying baby lunatic routine,
and then there is the huge sigh of relief when you actually get good news. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Thursday morning, just as Lee and I were walking
out the door for the hospital, I received a phone call from the hospice, woop
woop, great start for the day, I now have my appointment booked for next
Wednesday so will definitely be getting my pain sorted out. I had gone for the do the bit of hair and
slap some war paint on look today, as if it would influence my oncologist into
thinking that my fitness level had improved by 100% and that I had no pain at
all with the way that I walked in doubled over like a granny trying to hold
onto an invisible zimmer frame. Lee made
me promise that I would be honest and not try and make out that I am better
than actually I am. As if I could, he
was coming with me and has a big mouth cos he’s landed me in it before and told
Mr Nice Oncologist whole truth and nothing but the truth just seconds after
I’ve been smiling my bloody head off an lying through my teeth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">As usual, waiting time at the oncologist was a
bind, WTF is happening with the whole appointment system. Lee and I were sat there watching people
being called in way after we had arrived.
I’m not exaggerating either; we were sat for an hour and watched four
people called in who had arrived friggin ten minutes ago. I reminded the receptionist that I was still
here, and she assured me that my name was the next patient to be called. Lee and I watched the last patient leave the
consultation room and sat for a further half an hour, but no-one was called in,
so knowing our look, I suspect the docs had left and gone for lunch.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">At 1.45pm Lee had to dash off to go pick Luke up
from School, leaving me behind to receive my results on my own for the first
time ever in this whole cancer/squatter palarva. Lee has always been with me for results and I
had no idea how I would react if the news was bad. No hand of Lee’s to hold and no Lee to lean
on. you never know with all this cancer crap, what news you will get, sometimes
when you expect bad, you get good and then out of the blue when you things are
hey ok, they give you the news that you just don’t want to bloody hear. I did think about lying a little, well not
lying, but exaggerating that my pain medication has been working better than it
has, you know, to boost my oncologist in the right direction of writing me down
as ‘<b>Fit for Chemo</b>’ but at the end of
the day, this would only be lying to myself, , especially when the one of the
chemo side effects is joint and muscle pain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I was called in at 13.51 and then waited to actually see the doc. So there I am sat all on my lonesome,
twiddling my thumbs waiting and waiting to hear what my future held, to find
out the results of my bone and brain scan.
Now that is one thing that bloody down right scares the crap out of
me. ‘<b>The Brain’</b> <b> </b>I know I make a joke about actually
finding a brain inside, after all I was a typical blonde, always been a bit
dizzy, but can be quiet intelligent if need be.
Hey you don’t get a cap and gown and full teaching diploma’s at the
young age of 18 for nothing. And then get awarded a full Honorary Diploma for
the high standard of teaching in the same year. Opps getting side tracked again.. Back to ‘<b>The Brain</b>’ Yes this area scares the
shit out of me. The thought of it
invading that space and the side effects it can bring along with it is the one
area that I would flip out over, and even though I have thought about this many
many times, I have no idea, I would react.
Maybe numb, maybe hysterical, but fingers crossed, for me hopefully this
day will never come. So now you know, in
5 yrs, I have come out and said what actually scares me. Come on now, I’m thick enough with all this
chemo brain as it is and definitely don’t need the bloody squatters taking the
last bits of my mushed up brain that works.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_y5hET__RIf2L9qjH3mnKIyo_bvAY2R6AiqWNihNcv9qtCMeOn4rmxFxkiDC7vKMKoLNRQd_pNyhrn24AE3ZOC0j1QU7sqmeD1XR9MqNPiAk_xuuuuh-ljOJXK-vbtulgnR7OBBc8wc8/s1600/homer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_y5hET__RIf2L9qjH3mnKIyo_bvAY2R6AiqWNihNcv9qtCMeOn4rmxFxkiDC7vKMKoLNRQd_pNyhrn24AE3ZOC0j1QU7sqmeD1XR9MqNPiAk_xuuuuh-ljOJXK-vbtulgnR7OBBc8wc8/s320/homer.jpg" width="319" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">At 13.57pm the oncologist came in. Notice the exact time? I am taking note of actual times because of
all the delays that have been happening lately.
Today’s oncologist wasn’t my usual Mr Nice one, but all the same she was
really nice and apologised profusely for the delay. We discussed my pain level and my daily
activity, and phew thank goodness I could tell the truth and tell her I had
been out walking the dogs and had been doing some gardening. This she seemed to like, and looked over to
my Research Nurse to give her the go ahead that I am ‘<b>Fit for Chemo</b>’ Good news or
what? Down side is that I will have to
repeat my body CT scan because the last one has gone out of the time scale
required for the Trial. Stupid idiotic
radiologist man, why do they not listen and think they know best. I have to wait now for an appointment for the
Scan before I can get a start date for Chemo.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">While in my oncologist appointments, I let the
conversation take the path that it takes and don’t rush into the bits that you
sometimes don’t want to hear. I do this
because otherwise, things that do get discussed, might not get discussed
because the focus suddenly being on what I am asking, things like we discussed
today, and the biosphonate pill that I have been taking daily for the past 2
yrs. The biophosphonate is a bone
strengther called bondranat, it helps to speed up the renewal process of the
bone and when you have bone metz it’s a bloody good thing to have. When I was first diagnosed with bone metz I
was put on an intravenous form called Zometa, and today we discussed that
because I will be having intravenous chemo that maybe going back onto the
Zometa would be a good idea. This would
have to be checked with the Trial drug company as some drugs arn’t allowed when
you’re on a trial. The oncologist also
said that to take calcium tablets and Vitamin D would be a good idea too. This is when I knew that my bone scan was not
good and that even though they and I already knew that there was some
progression in my spine from the CT scan, I started to put two and two together
from the pains that I have been having that my bloody squatters had been having
a party. The nitty gritty, we could not
go through fully straight away cos the stupid dam printer was having problems
and they couldn’t get the scan report printed out. What we did have was the few short notes that
had been written down in my file. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Good news again. ‘<b>My Brain</b>’ is clear of cancer.
Pheww; to me that was the important one.
‘<b>There is more area’s of Bone
Metz’ </b> and when I asked where and how
much, the answer came back ‘<b>quite a bit</b>’
but would go through it with me in great detail as soon as they got the report
printed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In the meantime, whilst waiting for my report to
print out at another printer somewhere in the big building of the hospital, I
followed my Trial nurse and head off for an ECG, another test that was needed
before commencing my trial treatment.
This was followed by a wee sample, my weight and height taken and then
last but not least, my bloody pressure, temperature and pulse reading. All that is needed to get me started now is
the CT scan, which they have already put in the request as an urgent referral that
hopefully I will hear straight after the long bank holiday weekend with a
cancelation date. Fingers crossed, it
will be next week.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now for the Nitty Gritty.... My Bone Scan results
Report; <i>to be continued</i>......</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-51236026866507770112012-05-27T11:34:00.000+01:002012-06-03T11:35:25.960+01:00Waste Of Time !!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0tIarpIQcWed1823yySy-MnDRuOTDxs7BPIxMaGcT5Tw5Z_jb_L9GJ9CtrbOeAYGbqGrZgwVBBL2isebS50gs1ipujfqCmg0Kw55jxd0Ip2uguvdNyLyiOIdFyqFCV11UkNJ-dUoUFdU/s1600/imagesCAF2MK7X.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0tIarpIQcWed1823yySy-MnDRuOTDxs7BPIxMaGcT5Tw5Z_jb_L9GJ9CtrbOeAYGbqGrZgwVBBL2isebS50gs1ipujfqCmg0Kw55jxd0Ip2uguvdNyLyiOIdFyqFCV11UkNJ-dUoUFdU/s200/imagesCAF2MK7X.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">You would have thought that after 5 yrs I would be used to
the uncomfortable chairs and long tedious agonising waits for hospital
appointments by now wouldn’t you, well for the majority of time I have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been intent on putting aside half a
day for a 5 minute appointment, I have also on occasions been intent on putting
a full day aside for the very same 5 minute appointment because; we know for a
fact that a hospital appointment is not to say that you have an appointment to
be seen, it is there to say, get your ass up to the hospital along with another
10 patients for the exact same time appointment as yourself, and we will see
you we get round to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I accepted this
routine a long time ago, but when you’re in agonising pain and doped up to the
friggin eye balls on pain relief, the last place that you want to be is sat
bolt upright in a hard uncomfortable chair.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Sometimes the waiting gets the better of you, which is what
happened last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had 2 appointments
on Tuesday 22<sup>nd</sup> and a further 2 on Wednesday 23<sup>rd</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2 hours into the waiting time to see my
oncologist and was I was getting absolutely piggin bored stiff of playing my
solitaire and losing badly, not to mention that my arse had took the shape of
the seat perfectly and was totally numb, I sent Lee to get me a snickers bar
from the coffee shop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What else are you
supposed to do; I couldn’t go out for a crafty fag, cos you could guarantee
that I would have been called in, It’s like they have a radar implant in you
somewhere bleeping constantly ‘Patient has left the building, Patient has left
the building’ and then they get in there quick, resulting in you missing it and
then having to start the whole friggin waiting period all over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t supposed to eat either, I was on a 4
hour fasting for my CT scan later, but this sitting and boredom was just doing
my head in a little too much, and when Mr Boredom peers round the corner, the
only thing I know to do is eat or smoke.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tuesday;</i> It was
2.30pm when Lee and I were ushered into one of the side rooms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now this is where they try and trick you,
make you think that it’s your time, when in fact they put you in these rooms to
make you think your being seen, but leave you there for another half an hour to
stare at some other walls and other smudges of dirt that are smeared across the
doors ways, walls and skirting’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today’s side room was also used as a store room for all their little
gadgetry stuff, boxes of sterile wipes, plastic syringes, needles and boxes and
boxes and boxes of gloves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We could do
with some of them” Lee said looking over at the gloves. I laughed and said I
wished I’d brought my big bag, cos they would come in handy for him washing the
pots, get the him washing the pots bit, ha ha, I have one well trained hubby.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I was relieved when Mr blooming amazingly nice oncologist
walked in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He always makes me feel
better, has always been honest with me and is one of the few doctors that I
actually have any trust in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mr Nice
Oncologist always likes to hear it from me why I have ended up in hospital,
rather than just reading my notes and so the discussion was started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My nurse was stood by, waiting for him to get
round to doing a full body examination that she needed desperately to get me on
the Wonder Drug Trial and to pin him down for my treatment plan (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just in case I wasn’t picked out for the
wonder drug</i>), but just like my life for the past few weeks, or is it months
now, I can’t remember, but anyway, things did not go to plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought I would be walking out of there
with a date to commence treatment; instead my whole appointment was discussing
my pain medications, dosage and referral to a hospice pain management doctor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mr nice oncologist told me he would not
approve me for any treatment yet and needed to get my pain managed first. And
so because of the stupid radiotherapy, I am now being delayed from treatment,
which I can tell you is bloody frightening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have gone 5 weeks now without having anything. 3 weeks according to by
hubby cos he says my last dose would have worked up until that point, but the
fact is, I am having nothing to try and control the cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
scan 4 weeks ago showed that I have further progression, so it comes hand in
hand that going without treatment; the friggin squatters are not going to be stopped
in its tracks and will continue to grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">As you can imagine with my emotional state lately, the tears
started over flowing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mr Nice and
perfect bedside manner oncologist brought me a box of tissues. I hate crying in
front of him, Dam, I hate crying in front of anyone because it shows my weak
side, which is exactly how I have been feeling for the past few
weeks/months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My appointment ended and I
was given a prescription of quadruple strength pain medication to what I have
been on and another appointment to see him on the 31<sup>st</sup>, just over a
week away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">An hour to spare, and so I hobbled as fast as I could into
the car (can still beat a snail so that is something) and went up the road to
the Citroen dealer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Roll on new mobility
car wooo wooo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still not decided which
one to go for, but it definitely won’t be another one of these C3 picasso’s,
talk about rock and roll, you can’t go round a roundabout without rolling off
the seat and into the door or the driver, and with the pains that I am having
at the moment, this is definitely not a laugh about happy thing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Back at the hospital, CT Scan and then hurray I could eat
cos right then my stomach was grumbling that load I think it could be heard at
the other end of the M1 and was being mistaken for some sort of road works.
With not many patients waiting, ooh 3 in total, I thought this was going to be
a quick get, stabbed, scanned and out, but oh no, why change with the way today
has gone so far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2 frickin long stupid
hours and nearly an hour of that was me sat on me lonesome in the waiting room
with 3 nurses stood around talking, which got me more infuriated because I was
having to play dodge the stupid head from the one who kept standing between me
and the bloody TV screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lets face it,
Location Location Location was on and if there is anything I like to watch on
TV apart from my Corrie, is having a good bloody nosey inside someone else’s
house.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">My CT scan didn’t go as planned either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The request was to have a full body scan and
a brain scan, but Oh no the radiologist of the department decided it was way
too freaking soon to have another one of the body (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with the last one being 4 wks ago</i>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was left strapped to the strolley while
they tried to contact my nurse to find out what to do, even though I was at
this point actually screaming at them that the full body was needed to get on
the Trial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laid there with tears rolling
down my cheeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The whole few weeks
rolling around inside my mind, the pain, the waiting, the frickin squatters
growing, the radiotherapy, the hospital visit, the Chatter Group palarva and
not to mention the ‘Dr X’ situation.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The appointment ended of them just scanning my brain and
being told that they would check if the body had to be done and if so, it could
be done the following day while I was at the hospital having my radioactive
bone scan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now correct me if I am wrong,
but if the radiologist didn’t want to do a CT of my body because of the
radioactive I’d already had 4 wks ago, then doesn’t it sound a bit hypocritical
that he would be happy to do it when I have had a great large syringe full of
radioactive pumped into my veins for the bone scan?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bloody hypocritical if you ask me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Wednesday; </i>Lee and
I decided that rather than both of us sat around waiting, that he would just
drop me off at the hospital and I would ring him when I was done and ready to
go home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least this way he could get
some jobs done around the house, rather than wasting the precious time stuck to
an uncomfortable chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For my bone
scan, I was shouted through within half an hour whoopy dooo one for the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Guinness Book of Records</b> me
thinks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first stage was to find a
vein that had been left for them to use from yesterdays CT palarva (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they stabbed 3 times</i>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today they stabbed twice and injected the
radioactive substance from a space age metal syringe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After telling me the do’s and don’ts of not
using public toilets (<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">as I would crack the basin and probably
scoot through through the air from the explosion with the loo still attached to
my arse</i></b>) and keeping away from children and pregnant women, I was free
to go and fill in 2 and half hours for the radioactive substance to work its
way round my body before heading back to have the actual scan done. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Not wanting to waste any time sitting around, I went over to
the Research Trial Clinic, to have my bloods done and my portcath flushed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That in itself was a quick in and out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So now what to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t get a drink or a bite to eat cos I’d
forgot my bloody purse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ha ha, Lee came
to the rescue and drove back, handing me some dosh so I could go buy a picnic,
well I would have thought I could have bought a picnic, but with the NHS
blooming prices, I ended up with a sandwich and a small bottle of orange which
the lady at the back of the till finished up having to put 5p in the till for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat outside in the sun and felt
pretty good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pain was at a minimum and
the heat from the sun relaxed me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Back at the bone scan department I had to check with them
that they had marked me back as returned as an hour went by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they not realise we have better things to
do with our time and do they not realise that we probably have more appointments
to head off too after they have done with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Time was ticking on and I was beginning to wonder if I would get to my
Heart Echo on time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">There is something about Scans, whether it is an MRI or Bone
density, but its a natural thing for me to nod off and take in some Zzz’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It probably has something to do with the
equipment being so close to my bloody face that I have to close my eyes so no
freaking out is done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope I don’t snore,
but what the heck, the machines are that blooming noisy no one would hear
anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The full body was done and then
with the additional area’s they wanted to scan (<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pelvis and chest</i></b>) I was
done, the whole scan process took just under 60 minutes, leaving me 15 minutes
to get to my Heart ECHO scan.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Now I really lost my temper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After heading up to where they normally do the ECHO’s, the place that I
have always had my ECHO, and after sitting for 15 minutes waiting for the receptionist
to get off the phone to his mum, I was greeted with ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you’re in the wrong place</i></b>’
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What</i></b>’ I thought, I had just come up
4 flights of stairs (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ok with the aid of a
lift</i>) but that does not change the fact that I had to go back all the way
to virtually where I had just come from and let me tell you , that corridor is
as long as the A1.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I couldn’t find the place I needed to be and was getting angrier
by the second, and very tempted just to jack it all in and go bloody home. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Best thing is Mr Nice Oncologist won’t let me
have treatment until my pain is sorted; he said I needed to get plenty of rest
and makes sure I took all my pain meds at the correct regular intervals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How the hell am I going to get it sorted when
I am traipsing around from one of the hospital to the other for 2 bloody days
on the trot?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus I had popped ALL the
pills that were in my bag and felt like I was turning into one of them junky
drug people who would do anything to get a quick fix.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Eventually, I was laid on the coach with my top off and
little sticky pads stuck all over me, with an ultra sound probe prodding around
my left breast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People don’t realise,
but by having implant reconstruction, it makes it blooming well hard to get
clear pictures of your heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently
the stuff inside the implant distorts, you can see the heart, you can see it
beating, but to take measurements of the muscle etc, is just a mere impossibility,
with the only way of getting the images is to stick the bloody probe deeper and
deeper into your ribs, implant, stomach and jugular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s one of them times that you would swear
blind that you will walk out the room with a couple of cracked ribs and a burst
implant.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">It feels that my week has been taken up with a lot of time
wasting, sitting around in a bloody hospital when I could have in fact been
laying on my garden lounger in the glorious sunshine that we are having.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hasn’t just been wasting time at the
hospital, its been knowing what to do with my time when I am at home, I can’t
be arsed to watch the TV, or do anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Normally on occasions like this, when I am more immobile
than usual, I take to facebook and spurring on and supporting people, makes me
feel that I have actually done something constructive, but with my facebook
gone, I have nowhere to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I received an email notification that even
though my fb was inactive, I had been added to a group, then another email came
through and another, so I logged on to remove it and stop my mobile phone
flashing up every few minutes with stupid bloody emails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got the shock of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person who had caused my Chatter Group to
close down had created a group; it was created just 2 days after me closing
Chatter down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now you may think, well
the girls need somewhere to go, I did too, but what got me was the post from
the so called, what I used to think was a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had wrote “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Lets keep this group secret cos I think Karen has had a Mental Break
Down</b>” What the Hell!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ermmm ok, I
have had a lot to deal with lately but for someone who is as fooked up as her, definitely
does not have the qualifications to diagnose me as having a mental breakdown,
plus if I had, it would have been all her doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again this person got me bloody angry, which
I got even angrier because the girls were agreeing with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me a true friend would not have kept this
secret, they would have told me.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I had a lovely evening at Pauline’s on Wed evening (23<sup>rd</sup>),
I cried on her shoulder a few times and we discussed my BreastCancer profile
and Chatter. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks to Pauline, she
kicked me up the ass and made me see things from another point of view.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was right, why should a lot of the women
lose out because of one person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After 2
glasses of wine (first in months) I felt better and agree’d with Pauline that I
would reinstate my BreastCancer Karen Profile, but I would cut all ties from
the person and that would involve removing any mutual friends that we had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhGE6h6zYaeTH4ACcbwa2fvBzFpC3fwNbSwXGXReR0PgHRBXNOhBrxxLzBW3kAXbUFXqAGNoNhLBhK9RdGzYzu-nuZpcAdGam43o_rGSJvs27qOCCje4KdVdiF9E_0s3ZHuVUCg1PTILc/s1600/imagesCAZX6STF.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhGE6h6zYaeTH4ACcbwa2fvBzFpC3fwNbSwXGXReR0PgHRBXNOhBrxxLzBW3kAXbUFXqAGNoNhLBhK9RdGzYzu-nuZpcAdGam43o_rGSJvs27qOCCje4KdVdiF9E_0s3ZHuVUCg1PTILc/s1600/imagesCAZX6STF.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I know I can be a stubborn cow, but the point of the post
title ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Waste of Time’</b> is just
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to waste precious time
waiting around in hospitals. I have to waste precious time, sitting in traffic
getting there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These waste of times, I
know are a part of my life and without them I probably wouldn’t even be here
writing this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have no idea what the
outcome of my scans are as yet and no idea what is around the corner, but the
one thing I can control is the time wasted on people who just don’t deserve my
time or effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said in my
previous post; I felt alone and abandoned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Re-activating facebook showed me I wasn’t alone and it took me days to
go through the messages that were left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I removed anyone that had anything to do with the Author of the book and
will admit, I felt guilty by removing some of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were friends long before the Author, but I
felt that if I left one person, then it would give the others more ammunition to
throw at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So if you are one of the
people who were removed, I hope you understand, I needed to cut all ties with
the author, the whole ordeal knocked me for six and seeing who I thought to be
friends agreeing with her, put me on the whole ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t know who can trust thing’</i></b>
As the saying goes, True friends will always be there, no matter what and as
for the time wasters, well, No more time is being wasted from me, Cos this
bitch is kicking back.</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-11227755330465706692012-05-21T22:31:00.000+01:002012-05-22T22:32:22.967+01:00Am I Depressed???<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">This blog will probably have me in trouble, but at the
moment I just don't give a shit, because things need to be said, to show how
every little thing can accumulate to my already instable emotional status.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Some of you may have wondered where I have vanished too on
facebook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well to cut a very long and
painful story short; I’d had enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Over the last month I have mentioned that I feel old and
ugly and remarks of 'oh you look better in your wig' or jokes about my so
called laughter lines just arn't getting the laughs back from me that they used
to get. I could at one time take these jokes on the chin and laugh as much (if
not more ) than the rest of you, even the point of me making fun of myself and
how I look before anyone could get the chance to first. But I suppose there has
to come a time when I say 'Fuck it'. Let's face it, writing my journal is my
therapy not yours and if I need to get something off my chest then so be it. It
is not to make you feel bad, it's to make you realise that just because you see
me plastered with makeup, have my wig on and am smiling my bloody head off that
inside it's a totally different scenario. I'm frickin screaming inside. Who the
hell wants to walk around in an itchy hot wig all the time just be accepted
into what is classed as the normal society. Well it sucks and I am more
comfortable with no make-up, no wig and thrown across my sofa in my PJ's.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Let's get something straight, if you have the sniffles,
don't friggin complain to me and expect sympathy, try living with a constant
sniffy nose from the treatment and medication I’m on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you wake up in a morning and have a stiff
neck, or achy back or leg, then welcome to my world. Deal with it, try and give
a thought to the thousands out there who are suffering constantly day after
day, whether through pain from the cancer or emotionally and physically due to
the toxin chemicals that are being pushed through your body every single second
of every friggin day that leaves you a drooling snivelling zombie spaced out in
the corner of the room.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">So why have a snapped. Well it's plain and simple, I have
tried hard this last year to fight the side effects of treatment, and look
forward to getting some quality of life back that I never thought I would find
again, I'm still looking especially with all the pain that I am enduring at the
moment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's seems that no matter how
hard I try to do the right thing, the right thing turns out to be wrong, so I'm
in a no win situation no matter how you look at it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Spending the week in hospital is probably the culprit of me
feeling the way I am, hospitals just arn't a good place to relax and feel good
about yourself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can they be, there
is way too much time on your hands and laying there hooked up to a drip and
looking like friggin death is defiantly not the sort of look people are used
too, resulting in the tilt of the head sympathy look saying 'how you feeling'.
Obviously me being me has answered every single frickin time with 'I'm fine'
and with that stupid idiotic grin splat across my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well I'm not fine. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Sometimes I feel that I can't do right for doing wrong and
probably with feeling so bloody crap I just wasn’t emotional fit enough to take
on what I least expected when I got home, and that being a a whole group of
women’s messages that inevitably had me in tears. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh don’t get me wrong some were nice (very
nice) messages, but a whole friggin lot em weren’t and were of blame. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt
used, abandoned and blamed for something that I didn’t even do. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRj4gUsFh6YtuA3cGfjYV8nYhVYNUfHJ_FAAIiF-sj6KbQvvp_S0Njtv8q9d_rxFql_QwB9EuKK7b5_LCX6vMTgxNUCC92azaXUDD3moze4MBqJjzPgACcicKY6dMcYLBDrV-hhNvEB3I/s1600/BCChatter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRj4gUsFh6YtuA3cGfjYV8nYhVYNUfHJ_FAAIiF-sj6KbQvvp_S0Njtv8q9d_rxFql_QwB9EuKK7b5_LCX6vMTgxNUCC92azaXUDD3moze4MBqJjzPgACcicKY6dMcYLBDrV-hhNvEB3I/s1600/BCChatter.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Ok so there was a book written about ‘Chatter’ the support group
that I had created by one of it’s the members.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I proof read the book highlighted alterations, and was bloody well
chuffed to the smithereens that it got published and that in a month had sold over
300 copies, raising nearly £200 for Macmillan Cancer Support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d received some phone calls and private
messages saying they were utterly shocked with the way the book opened, reading
as though the author of the book (not me) created the group. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some had downloaded the free version first but
insisted that they would NOT buy the book until it had been amended and one was
threatening to report the book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I
didn’t expect was the verbal abuse that I got from the group members, because the
author removed the book from sale (after or before) deleting me as a friend and
herself from the group, just because I pointed out to her that I’d had some complaints
sent to me and asked if it could be amended.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At the end of the day, my group was a support group, yes a SUPPORT GROUP
to bitch and moan about anything to do with cancer and treatment, to help each
other, not to bitch and moan about no bloody book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I soon realised and felt that all the support
that I had given, even from my hospital bed was one side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed support and got none.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not one member who complained to me about how
the book had been written came to defend me, except in a private message, which
was no bloody good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe if I had been
in a better frame of mind and not doped up with morphine handled the situation
differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe, but the final straw
was messages coming through telling me to take time away and hand the group
back over to the Author WTF, she had nothing to do with the creation of the
group, she was not admin and had been in the group for a total of 7 months
baring in mind that she had removed herself once before just because I asked
her to curb all the jokes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May sound
petty, but I don’t give a shit, it was my group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I announced that the group would be closing
and panic stations started of posts saying ‘Where will we go to chat?’ and then
posts for other groups.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not one was to
say ‘Are you ok Karen?’ So Monday 14<sup>th</sup> May 2012, BreastCancer Karen
for the first time in years became inactive and with the help of my matey
Pauline, the group ‘Breast Cancer Chatter’ that I created over a year ago was closed
down, emptied of all its contents and deleted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I cried as I watched each name disappear, I cried as each picture was
removed and cried at the removal of the Prayer Events that were held for lovely
members who we’d lost. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though I had
Pauline to talk to that night, I have never felt so alone and not knowing who I
could trust I shut myself away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">On top of that, I also had emails to deal with regarding my
complaint about ‘Dr X’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had emailed a
couple of weeks before being admitted to hospital; giving them a dead line of
May 17<sup>th</sup> (the 5 yr mark to when I was diagnosed).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got a reply saying that they thought that a
satisfactory conclusion had been made back in 2101 and so my case had been
closed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you can imagine I was downright
bloody infuriated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d sent a reply back
but didn’t get a response back until I emailed them again on the 17<sup>th</sup>
telling me that I had to go through the proper channels and write in a
complaint letter to the complaints department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Errr excuse me, but didn’t I already do that FIVE YEARS AGO? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent all day, emailing back and forth,
while trying to get my head together to write my name and shame document. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, because I got so stressed out
and Lee making me put my laptop away the document wasn’t finished and so the
hospital is probably thinking that they are safe and didn’t mean that I would
name ‘Dr X’ and all involved with my complaint publicly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well they got another thing coming, cos when
I get this document finished, I am going for the bloody jugular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The hurt that I have felt over this last week has left me totally
confused, upset and very angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The little
bit of self confidence that I had left has been crushed to nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have had to cope with being a doped up
junkie for the pain that I am still in, the awful pain from being constipated and
so bloody tired that I have spiralled down and down and down to the point of
crying just because I wake up in the mornings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So I guess the answer to the post title of ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Am I Depressed’</b> is a big bloody massive <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">YES</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the last week, I
have lived in my PJ’s, I haven’t even been arsed to brush my teeth and so
probably up to this morning stunk worse than poo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have cried more tears than I have in a life
time, shouted and snapped at Lee for just being in the same room and shouted at
the dogs and not paid them any attention at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I’ve wanted to do is go to sleep. Lee has
had to work overtime to keep me functioning and to be honest, I have no idea
how he has kept control, because no matter what encouraging words he said to
me, I have thrown negative back at him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I threw in the towel, I just couldn’t take anymore
and felt that this was my life from now on, constant pain, and being so bloody
dizzy and high from the pain medication that I didn’t know whether it was night
or day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much for my banner’s word of ‘A Positive
Mind is Half the Treatment’ where has my mind gone, how did I let it all change?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s the problem with depression; it bloody
sneaks up on you bit by bit just like frickin Cancer.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">And then as if things couldn’t get any worse, Lee’s back
went and when I say ‘went’, I don’t mean to a sunnier climate, I mean it as
going from straight to curving all over the place, the ‘went’ meaning his disks
(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get the plural cos there is 2 sneaky
buggers</i>) popped right out from picking Luke up off the floor after falling
off his scooter to take him to the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That evening and for the next 3 days all 3 of us were laid up; me with
my latest problem, Lee with his prolapsed disks and Luke with a broken ankle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We coped, because we had too because even now
as I write this, not one person has been to the door. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We joked about putting a notice on the door ‘INVALIDS
ABOARD’ but knew that no-one would see it anyways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This in itself puts me into my feeling sorry
for myself mood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It worries and scares
me with Lee’s back because if my mobility stays as it is, which I am hoping and
praying hard that it’s just a temporary setback, but it scares me of how we
would cope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know my mother’s answer
would be to move back to Doncaster, but my home is here, it has been for the
past 8 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My hospital is here, my
wonderful amazing oncologist is here, my Bessie mate (Thank you Pauline) is
here and another important factor is; my favourite one and only step-son Luke
is here.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I suppose admittance to having a problem is the first
step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes I admit it; I have been pushed
and pushed to the point of every little thing exploding into one huge atom
bomb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it serves me right for spending
too much time thinking of others when in fact the person that needed the
support was me all along. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought I
was strong and positive, but yet without my group I have nowhere to go, to ask
a simple question such as ‘How long will this pain last’ Another ironic thing
is for a long time, Lee has told me I spent too much time on facebook, but seeing
how everything has affected me over the last couple of weeks, he has been
trying to talk me into re-opening the group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He has realised that the group helped me too, but the group thing has
been and gone, it’s in the past now. </span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-56422938736555469342012-05-11T19:42:00.001+01:002012-05-11T19:47:38.938+01:00Home at Last !<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBxqgzpQPQ6Ym7p-wMqwt1HWZRjeAAGiaQOuXbKggjaJO7EaeBVdy6_nE7v2V6IL-q_L363UuenANqY1DkNsJ3nmig8iUs4fDIRQv_lhY_Ggpr0Ka4q4PJ2awx9qX5cn5WB4tJrfdOv94/s1600/imagesCA9TXGIP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBxqgzpQPQ6Ym7p-wMqwt1HWZRjeAAGiaQOuXbKggjaJO7EaeBVdy6_nE7v2V6IL-q_L363UuenANqY1DkNsJ3nmig8iUs4fDIRQv_lhY_Ggpr0Ka4q4PJ2awx9qX5cn5WB4tJrfdOv94/s200/imagesCA9TXGIP.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Well after a fantastic Bank Holiday yesterday, Today didn’t
go to a very good start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All weekend I
have been waiting for today, so that the NHS could get their ass into gear and
get me the MRI done on my spine to find out if the pain that I am having is due
to the radiotherapy or ‘IF’ there is anything more sinister going on in my spine
that needs attention, which is what has been going through my mind. When one’s
legs just suddenly stop friggin working properly, one’s mind is bound to go
into overdrive of fears ending up a cripple for the rest of my life and being
pushed around in a wheel chair and being so totally out of it from the
medication that one wouldn’t know whether they were coming or going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Drooling
endless amounts of spit <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in a corner
springs to mind</i>’.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Because the hospital have had me so bloody drugged up all
weekend from all the morphine based medication, steroids and other stuff that I
don’t even know what they are for, my pain today has in fact eased.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get the word ‘EASED’ I didn’t say frickin
gone. AND because of this, ‘get it’ they are now saying that I am not having a
scan and can go home later today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Excuse
me, but I have been a patient patient here, waiting patiently for everyone to
get back to work to get this done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
could have had a strop and insisted that they carted me over to the other
hospital and get the scan done on Friday, or Saturday or Even Sunday for that
matter, when they told me why there was a delay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh but no, I just sat there, dizzy from the
meds, hallucinating and hobbling around in excruciating pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not a happy bunny.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I fought my case and told them that the pain had somewhat
eased because I was so out of it with the pain meds, and so ended up going onto
a pain relief strike.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sounded like a
good plan at the time and after the doctors and nurses rushed around for
another hour or 2, agreed to do the scan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every hour I was approached with lots of pain meds and each time I
turned them away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not going to give in just for them to
get my pain under control once again and then kick me out of the ward without
the scan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I had spinal cord
compression, What if the vertebra they had targeted with the rads had become
weak and collapsed onto the nerves that ran through that area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were the things going around in my
loopy brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being in hospital gives you way too much time
with your own thoughts and if you’re not careful you will diagnose yourself
with everything but the blooming kitchen sink, especially when your brain
starts to become alert from the lack of pain medication that for the last few days
has kept me asleep and comatose’d.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Then the nurses said the scan would be on Friday, which I
was not too happy about, talk about sending the referral off as <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">urgent</b>, that has to be a bloody joke. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also know that there is no way on this
planet that I can go without pain relief for that length of time, as the pain
has bloody kicked in to the point of me becoming a bit of a cry baby and not
wanting them to see that I am a cry baby, do this by hobbling to the loo’s or
making my way down the lift and going for a crafty fag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok Ok so I shouldn’t smoke, but what else is
there to do.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I thought by going on pill strike and not taking steroids I’d
get a good night’s sleep... So blooming wrong was I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was shattered, in constant pain that was
getting worse by the second, but no matter how I tried to lie, I just couldn’t
get comfortable or off to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then
everything went mad on the ward, a little old lady in the bed across from me
was having a bit of hard time and had the nurses running around like maniacs.. ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yay for them being maniacs when maniac mode
is needed</i>’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sneaked off the ward
at gone 3am and found myself in tears outside puffing on yet another ciggie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mad, frustrated and in lots of pain, I was proper
fed up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its times like this that I start
to get angry towards ‘Dr X’ If she had listened to me, would I be here right
now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nope I don’t think so, I would
probably be one of them people that spent every day in fear that the dreaded C
would come back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it would have
come back, but my anger towards ‘Dr X’ is a full on anger, slap around the face
anger and make her live like I have for the past 5 yrs anger with the drug
after drug and chemo after chemo, not to mention having my bloody boobs chopped
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this normal for anyone to feel
so much anger towards one person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People
tell me it’s not good and I should try and forgive her and move on, but how can
I move on when every single day, I am fighting for a longer life. And that life
being able to live it rather than the awful bed ridden sickyness year that I
had last year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot forgive her, could you?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">On Wednesday late afternoon, things just got too much for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain was full on, Ok I admit it
wasn’t to the extent that it was when the ambulance came for me, but it was
bloody well painful enough to the point that I felt sick, light headed and full
on weepy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sent Lee a text, telling him
to come get me cos I’d had enough, and then carried on chuntering on in the
text that I’d had enough of it all and wanted out, even saying that if I knew
how many pain meds to take for me to fall into a deep deep sleep of no return
then I would take them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry but its
how I felt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes things just get
too much and I can’t see any end to the pain and suffering. I know I’m now over
exaggerating here, cos my life hasn’t been full of pain and suffering, I have
had a good 5 yrs, I’ve done things and had lots of fun, but it’s just these
short spells or pain, helplessness and frustration that things aren’t going to
get any better that get me into this frame of mind. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lay in my bed with tears rolling down my
cheeks, when my nurse and doctor came round.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That was it I was in full chunter mode of gabbling to them about ‘Dr
friggin X’ and that I’d had enough and wanted to end it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course Doctors being doctors, the first
thing they push down you is... haaa you guessed it... pain meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gave me a good handful they did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They did give me some good news and told me
that my MRI was booked for tomorrow (Friday) and then all being well I will be
allowed home.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">What have I said before DON’T PANIC THE HUBBY, well any text
saying that you’ve had enough and want to end it, will do just that and whilst
my doctors were with me, getting pills down my neck and trying to calm me down,
I had constant ringing from my lovely hubby, of which I could not answer because
of everything that was going on around me and my bed.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I apologised to Lee profusely afterwards and when I had
calmed down, and even now I still feel bloody awful for doing that to him, but
like he says, he’s used to my tantrums by now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>5 yrs will do that, but talking about swallowing pills is a no no, and I
have had to promise I will never ever talk like that again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the first time I am posting about
how down I get sometimes, oh there has been many occasions, but with the </span><a href="http://www.breastcancerstory.co.uk/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Breast Cancer Story</span></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"> website
everything is being published in order that it happened and as yet on there I haven’t
got to them bits yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose it’s
because I was much stronger back then too and still looking forward to the fact
that I would be cured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As now, there is
no cure for me, there is just control and right now the controlling stuff just ain’t
doing such a good job.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I have to realise that a main part of my life is pain control;
the awful pills that make you go ga ga.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To date I have taken them as and when needed which has worked for me,
but with the excessive pain that I now have, I have realised that pain cannot
be turned off within seconds or minutes of taking some stupid pills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took all weekend to ease the pain and yet
through my own stubbornness, I let the pain return which then put me in a
bloody foul mood and temper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would I do
the pain relief strike again?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
blooming likely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have learnt my lesson,
I know I am stubborn and I accept that this as my downfall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate getting down especially to the extent
that I did do and wanting my life to end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am not a negative person and throughout the last 5yrs I have always
come out on top, laughed, partied on and not let this cancer crap get the
better of me, and I know that I have to get back to that same determined
person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will get that person back; I
had a minor melt down which I think I am allowed from time to time. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">My scan happened at 12.30pm which they timed just right; I
was just about to tuck into my shepherd’s pie (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oh yummy yummy hospital food is great</i>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having been there and done it all before I
knew the process, but for some reason today, whether it was because I was so freaking
high from all the meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fear of
being enclosed in such a tight space got me breathing and gasping for breath,
which I might add just doesn’t go too well with the already dizzy dizzy bloody
head going around in ga ga land.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
whole scan took a mere 45 minutes with the added bonus of it feeling like 10 hours
from the closterphobic feeling or hyperventilating from the pain meds and
breathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got through it; we always
do and nearly fell over backwards from going all dizzy and sick as I got up
from the trolley to get sat back in my wheel chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2pm and I was back on the ward... laying and
waiting for results before I can go home.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It’s amazing but one minute there telling me I can’t go
anywhere and have to wait for results and the next they’re kicking me out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently they need my bed and so with no
clothes to go home in, I have to pack up my belongings and get the feck out of
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where am I supposed to go?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh yeah, the little day room with the upright
positioned hard back chairs that will surely have my bloody painful legs
feeling great in no time, not to mention keep me up right from all the nausea
and dizziness I am experiencing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Excuse
me, but if the scan had been booked when it should have been let’s say for
example ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">FRIDAY</b>’ I would have been
out of here on Tuesday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then as if that
isn’t enough, apparently when one has had one’s scan, your pain miraculously
vanishes, well so they doctors and nurses think, cos all they seem to be
concerned about it getting their precious bed and none of my pain or nausea
meds.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">One minute I am ring lovely hubby to come pick me up, then I’m
ringing him to hold fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to
leave, I can’t leave, I have to have results, and they want the bed arghhhh I
am so frickin confused, not to mention by now I have a very frustrated husband
from not knowing what the feck is going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He drives half way to the hospital, and then drives all the way back
home in a matter of minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well if the
hospital thinks I am going to get the flack from this then they have another
thing coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they not know by now
that my husband has an even shorter fuse than me? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">By 5pm I get the super duper news that my MRI says yee haaa
and there is no spinal cord or nerve compression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain is caused by a flare from the
radiotherapy and so I just have to take the pain relief and wait for it to ease
on its own. How long? No one knows, it’s the piece of string story. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My cannula is taken out of my portacath and
within 10 minutes the hospital had their precious bed and I was on my way home
with one bloody happy and relieved hubby.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">For those of you who know me, you will already know where I
headed... straight for a long soak in my bath. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It’s so good to be home, I still have quite a lot of pain
and am still very drozy from all the meds but at least I have my home comforts
(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my laptop for one</i>) and the peace of
mind that nothing more sinister is wrong in my spine apart from the friggin
squatters we already know about.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Its always good to get in your own bed and I caught up with
the last week of sleepless nights by going straight through for 13 hours. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh my! I sound like I’m talking about a baby
ha ha</i>)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all
who have had to endure my painful posts to facebook and even worse text
messages.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being home now for just 1 day,
I have had it brought to my attention that my spelling has been absolutely atrocious
and on the majority or texts, words could not be made out to what I was
actually saying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I have said before,
I was a dumb blonde in my past life, I find it funny when the hospital say
there are going to do a brain scan (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">funny
that they actually think I have a brain and can find one</i>) and on top of
being so blooming dizzy as the norm, these super drugs of morphine just don’t
help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well from what I can gather, is
that they help big time in keeping everyone amused with my spelling, wrong
words and totally going off in the wrong direction with a subject..<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which reminds me of a conversation I had on
the phone with my mum, I can’t remember what it was, but I do know that I suddenly
blurted out ‘Oh the dickie birds’ when in fact she was talking about something
totally different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well at least it gave
her and Lee something to laugh about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
still on the meds and recuperating, so be pre-warned, if you text me. I have tried to clean up my last 2 blogs before posting to make them readable from the jargon that I wrote whilst in my hospital bed.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Its so good to be home, I have my 2 dogs laid beside me and
the most gorgeous considerate patient man that I have ever had the pleasure to
know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee, I love you and so proud to
call you my husband MmWhaaaa xxx<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Now to catch up on my Corrie!!!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-27663990032702328672012-05-07T21:27:00.000+01:002012-05-20T20:02:26.961+01:00Stick Your Tongues Out To Cancer<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">You never expect the least expected, especially when the
unexpected is from a crazy bunch of ladies that I have had the honour of
knowing through the support group<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that I
created over a year ago called ‘Breast Cancer Chatter’, along with a list of
friends I have come into contact with on my breast cancer profile too.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It all started when I posted the not so good news regarding
my CT Scan, immediately I received messages of support, well wishes and
anything upbeat that they could possibly thing of with the majority telling me
to kick ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were however some
messages of sheer shock and horror that my news was definitely not the news
that they were expecting to hear, and through them I realised that they were
indeed hurting and frightened to death for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I suppose with the added stress of losing some lovely friends to this
awful disease since January this year already, the bad news like I had just
received, just made them worry that things had started to go in the same
direction for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey but come on!, this
is me were talking about and even though the news wasn’t frickin great, I have
not taken it has being the bloody freaking, panicking, losing my mind thing
that I am going to die sort of news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
see it has a sort of good thing, that my great team of doctors have been
watching me closely and have been on the case of finding me my next treatment
plan even before the results came in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is a plus side too, as this new trial that I about to embark on
looks to be very promising indeed, and has had some amazing results so far with
other patients who have been on it, and like all of us out there who have
cancer, We live wishing and hoping for the cure, wishing that one day we will
receive that one treatment that will obliterate our cancer to kingdom
come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So you never know; this could be
the one for me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I don’t like people worrying about me, and defiantly don’t
like them being upset. You get upset only results in me getting upset and so,
just as I was about to walk of the front door with my Bessie mate Pauline who
was taking me to the pub for a good old drinkies, I took a picture of me
sticking out my tongue, uploaded it to my facebook wall and captioned it <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">‘Ready for the Pub and Saying Fuck You
Cancer’</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My objective was plain and simple, it was
merely to show everyone that I was indeed ok, and still the mad Kazza that they
had come to know. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea what
would become of it, and while sat in the pub later tucking into the biggest
mixed grill ever that could have fed a thousand people and of course drinking
my extra large dry white wine and soda, Pauline and I logged in to facebook to post
on how our evening was going, what we saw had us in hysterics.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn5AaxaPbbxacPbsirh_4Jx1PIoZAy8w_AuQDDRVpufwwbCFgoKwh3xq6qW_YY6WtT0bREymsaKwI6kDJhsxr_S0xGrd5H9Wy3Wrn3qwjVFPc1fZ5qmMcQ8Bd4H_OTOgkbBsAB0nXVJM8/s1600/Stick+your+Tongue+out+to+Cancer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn5AaxaPbbxacPbsirh_4Jx1PIoZAy8w_AuQDDRVpufwwbCFgoKwh3xq6qW_YY6WtT0bREymsaKwI6kDJhsxr_S0xGrd5H9Wy3Wrn3qwjVFPc1fZ5qmMcQ8Bd4H_OTOgkbBsAB0nXVJM8/s320/Stick+your+Tongue+out+to+Cancer.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">
In just 1 hour the picture had received 31 comments and the whole wall of the ‘chatter’
group had changed in appearance, instead of being a normal support group of the
girls chatting about breast cancer, asking for advice or just venting out their
frustrations, I logged into find lots and lots of bloody great big tongues
sticking out everywhere, and all of them saying 'Fuck you Cancer'. It didn't
stop there either, pictures of monkeys, dogs, and cats started to go on too and
then my profile wall started to get invaded with the what appeared to be one
big disease of tongue mania.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Pauline and I had a fantastic evening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
had lots of hugs from Pauline that she was ordered to pass on from everyone in
the group and by the time we had gotten to the twentieth hug or so, Pauline and
I started to get some really weird looks, which were obviously looks of 'oooh
there lesbians'. Why is it that friends can't hug to show how pleased they are
too see each other anymore, without it getting out of context, there was no
holding hands or kissing, so the only reason I can think of, was my boyish good
looking charm lol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After drinking my 2nd
glass of white wine spritzer and being total and utterly off my face pissed,
Pauline took me home. Giving me an extra big hug as she left on top of the
thousands she had already given to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The night was fantastic, who says you have to be morbid and miserable when
you get bad CT scan results. Life is for living and having fun and that is just
what I did.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCYiyuApbYHpnrLewVRjOIelMkoWGWhr6_YEaX4_Pmlb6iZ9q4_M-UNF5E8NoJcAgBqbYTcamypRs_1Nhhg6zZuv2P_IRjVUrdCRUZ21kZHxEnmNs9sGEleO0hdYSmBgOnj3WHQDAjSwY/s1600/528817_304433486304159_100002125316613_737203_1794050326_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCYiyuApbYHpnrLewVRjOIelMkoWGWhr6_YEaX4_Pmlb6iZ9q4_M-UNF5E8NoJcAgBqbYTcamypRs_1Nhhg6zZuv2P_IRjVUrdCRUZ21kZHxEnmNs9sGEleO0hdYSmBgOnj3WHQDAjSwY/s320/528817_304433486304159_100002125316613_737203_1794050326_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The following morning (Thursday) my sides hurt with laughing. The group wall
and my wall had gone completely bonkers with big tongues, little tongues,
animal tongues, and multi coloured tongues. Laughing uncontrollably I posted an
update to my wall '<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">change your profile
pic and stick your tongues out to say fook you cancer for 48hrs</b>' to see how
many of my friends who really mad nutters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ha haaa, yup, ALL my friends are totally utterly bonking mad, their crazy,
because as soon as I posted it, the tongues kept rolling in and fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Till today I had not realised how completely
bonkers my facebook friends are, and yet they call me <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">MAD KAZZA</b>.m<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How dare they
call ME mad when they are doing things like this, you see it didn't just stop
with just them, they were now sitting there families down and forcing them to
stick there tongues out too, so pictures of nieces, nephews, sons, daughter,
granddad's and even a newly born baby appeared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I cannot explain in words how all this made me feel, but to try and tie
it up into one little sentence, I would have to say ‘Bloody Special’.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-4C-qJVvwyXd9V3AVoqfzGuNzhm4G-oJmKcsQOion1F1vfGNsvELyIzxtw1K7ysvr3pWs98cdOPkkrb7U43PaWorm2BW6e0YFQhig-Fp9ahUEs86T2L-Rp-8I1pE4aOifQF8jpsbqwIY/s1600/Untitled-2+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="107" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-4C-qJVvwyXd9V3AVoqfzGuNzhm4G-oJmKcsQOion1F1vfGNsvELyIzxtw1K7ysvr3pWs98cdOPkkrb7U43PaWorm2BW6e0YFQhig-Fp9ahUEs86T2L-Rp-8I1pE4aOifQF8jpsbqwIY/s400/Untitled-2+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">On Friday I went along for my one super high dose of radiotherapy
to my L6 vertebra of my spine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easy
peasy, so I thought, well I have had rads to my spine before and knew all the
ins and outs of it, such things as the pain can get worse before it gets better
sort of thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who the hell was I
kidding? An hour after the rads, I started vomiting, another hour later my legs
started to feel funny, the pain set in, but yet at the same time they felt all
tingly and numb. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hubby came running to
the rescue, “You OK Girly” he shouted as he came running upstairs at which
point i couldn’t answer through the snotty tears that were now rolling down my
cheeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tears weren’t the only thing
rolling either, as I was now in that much agony that I had starting rolling
around all over the bloody bed trying to get some sort of comfort and ease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee
tried to massage my legs for me, hoping that it would help, but I couldn’t keep
still long enough to even give it chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lee took charge completely when I went to get up for another wrenching
session on the loo and my legs gave way, he rang the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now my surname is Goodwin, I have been Mrs
Goodwin for 2 and a half years, but oooh no, not today I wasn't. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brilliant sexy hubby was in so much of a panic
that he gave the wrong name, 'Karen Roberts' he spluttered out and then after a
good 5 minutes of the nurse at the other end of the phone trying to find this
patient names ‘Roberts’ that they had early, he panicked and very quickly tried
to correct the mistake. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Ironic, but I have now learnt that pain makes you sick, the
more pain that you are in, means the more vomiting you will do, and that is
just what happened with me, more, which then inflicts more pain from the wrenching
of the stomach muscles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To stop vomiting, you have to take non stoppy
vomit pills, but how do you take them when you can’t stop throwing the buggers
straight back up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The plan was that Lee was going to drive me to the hospital,
but from seeing me get worse so rapidly, Lee changed his mind and rang for an
ambulance. Can you believe it; he gave the ambulance people the wrong blooming
address. ok easy mistake to make, with us only living at our current address
for a mere 8yrs , with the added plus of me never living at the address he gave
either, and neither has he for over 10 yrs. Luckily he corrected it before
hanging up the phone and getting back to me to try and massage my very pain
full legs again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He realised that he had
still given the wrong house number. Now this is when I relished that my very sensible
and in control husband wasn't in control at all and was in totally freaking out
panic mode. Obviously with me crying out in pain and demanding he take the pain
away from me didn't help him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Must make
a note for the future... <strong>DO NOT PANIC HUSBAND</strong>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The paramedics hadn’t even gotten up the stairs when I was
shouting out for morphine or anything else they had to get rid of my pain, Gas
and Air, went down a treat and my fear of needles completely vanished as I
shouted ‘Just stick it in me’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the fandabadozy
morphine working its way around my body, I got my first free and only one I
hope, ambulance ride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some more
morphine later and a partially deaf ambulance driver and paramedic from all the
jabber jabber I was doing on the way to the hospital, which is a norm for me to
go full speed ahead of talking absolute nonsense when I get into a panic, I was
admitted onto the hospital ward and waiting for doctors to come ad assess me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Doped up with morphine and pain meds sure does help with pain, it helps with hallucinating
too and at 2.15am, I was happily watching and laughing away to the dickie birds
perched on the curtain rail that was around my bed singing 'come fly with me'.
Ha ha so know I know that I have definitely gone off the rails and will
definitely be admitted into the Phyco ward very soon.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">The sticky out tongue pictures and comments that were still being bombarded
across Facebook kept me laughing and on Sunday evening I got another shock.
Talk about playing on your emotions, the lovely Kate Harbridge linked and
tagged me to a short video she had created. A video of all the tongues that had
been sent and were still circulated profile pics, all played to the music of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">'we'll stand together'</b>. I cried and I
laughed and I cried some more realising that not only was I there for all these
girls, but that these girls had pulled out all the stops to show how much they
cared and are they for me too.</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/73SIfY0A6WQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000;">(update on <em>20th May</em> - sorry the video has been made private cos someone complained WTF)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">
How does anyone want to spend a back holiday weekend and bank holiday Monday,
well a hospital bed is not the place that you can have your normal bank holiday
nutty days experience, saying that, even though my pain seems to be controlled
with the endless amounts of pain medication to the extent that they were now
keeping an eye on my pupil size (<em>size of pin pricks due to maybe slightly
overdosing on the stuff</em>) not to mention the red bloated face from the addition
of steroids. This hospital is where I actually want to be as I know I'm in the
right place to get the right pain relief I need and the checks required to make
sure everything is as it should be internally. ( <em>roll on tomorrow for my MRI</em>.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRY9QePT1ijSkD_weZ5eZ4vEBattsj-ebKk6qY1xPcVXFYHq1a1MTgxTMELZnH-vtEziY8NMCDq4y-1Z0-Jfpp3Uqdb4ux510QAkhBV3yWP6_QXA7eQ_PtvMn6WlFu2r7sYzxyhSSeNz0/s1600/380235_423969397615908_100000085545964_1585378_775391820_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRY9QePT1ijSkD_weZ5eZ4vEBattsj-ebKk6qY1xPcVXFYHq1a1MTgxTMELZnH-vtEziY8NMCDq4y-1Z0-Jfpp3Uqdb4ux510QAkhBV3yWP6_QXA7eQ_PtvMn6WlFu2r7sYzxyhSSeNz0/s400/380235_423969397615908_100000085545964_1585378_775391820_n.jpg" title="Great Friends" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Left to Right</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Pauline Edewards, Pauline Castledine, Penny Stanton & Dawn Sheldon</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Anyways visiting times has never been a big deal for me, my
family love nearly 70 miles away and so it's usually Lee rushing back and forth
to try to keep me occupied as much as possible. Today, Pauline turned up first,
then my mum with my younger brother Neil and his future wife Kez. What more
could I have wanted. (<em>to be out of pain and in the pub would have been nice but</em>...)
An hour later, and an almighty noise hit the ward 'what the feck' I though and
as unturned round 4 familiar faces appeared through the doorway. Dawn Sheldon,
Kate Harbridge and Penny Stanton, who I have up to now only know through the
virtual world of facebook and they were accompanied with the nutty Pauline
Edwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fully equipped with bottles of
vodkacillan and vinocillan that they had kindly drank on their long journey
getting here, they also had badges of special instructions of vodcacillan to
attach to my drip line bag and not forgetting a space alien gun to shoot down
my hallucinating dickie birds from the curtain rail late in the evenings. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My quite little ward was no longer quiet as
these amazing girls told their stories how they got there from different parts
of England and Wales. Pauline Castledine was in on the secret the bugger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEQyjCCl_5nSSNTeweFhzJINCp4eY-kbCMArtg8PG7V8rOXHDtgmgyK2bKX5LXQBTeJ1CsChyphenhyphenT58o2f6UFKr2dKdrDqyDxX8MmIV-cxeXVozAVgYBnFhpFUEqABwjzQxJK8TFrOJvQq8c/s1600/156289_426304777382370_100000085545964_1589227_1091859911_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEQyjCCl_5nSSNTeweFhzJINCp4eY-kbCMArtg8PG7V8rOXHDtgmgyK2bKX5LXQBTeJ1CsChyphenhyphenT58o2f6UFKr2dKdrDqyDxX8MmIV-cxeXVozAVgYBnFhpFUEqABwjzQxJK8TFrOJvQq8c/s320/156289_426304777382370_100000085545964_1589227_1091859911_n.jpg" title="The Escape Committee" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Left to Right</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Dawn Sheldon, Me, Pauline Edwards, Penny Stanton & Kate Harbridge</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">
I felt a bit awkward at first as my mum and family had come for a visit, and
probably wanted to talk about serious stuff of how I am actually doing, about
the pain and about what the doctors were saying, but what could I do? The girls
had them laughing too in no time so I am hoping they were ok with it all and
had as much fun as I did.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnrhp1QIWp-k9GMX0V08JPAWI6UFOHl6v-wx9q7zLz2CC8ij48503zK7KK_czwFRm-SW_KlM2z6ZmAmyBrnVrikqpssWzPBssPHGj8EPMHM2w6qZ-g6oJzhUOM79OkvTWCUAsZEL-Re4A/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnrhp1QIWp-k9GMX0V08JPAWI6UFOHl6v-wx9q7zLz2CC8ij48503zK7KK_czwFRm-SW_KlM2z6ZmAmyBrnVrikqpssWzPBssPHGj8EPMHM2w6qZ-g6oJzhUOM79OkvTWCUAsZEL-Re4A/s320/1.jpg" title="Best Medicine Ever" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vodkacillan and Vinocillan</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">
Laughter is the best medicine and even though I felt totally drain after
everyone had gone, and fell off to sleep within seconds I felt good, the
feeling that I am loved by so many and that I am not alone in this journey of
fighting the blastered squatters. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">
My gorgeous hubby arrived for the last visiting at 7pm with Luke, a nice quiet
visit which consisted of them polishing off all my grapes that our Kez had
brought in earlier. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I am laid in bed now totally knackered and reliving the fantastic day that I
have had over and over. All off you made my day so special, you made me feel
special, and over this past week since getting my scan results you have a been
there to help me through and kept a smile on my face. I love you all xxxx</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">P.S sorry if its a bit ga ga, I'm bloody stoned lol </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-80534401644584182902012-05-02T15:37:00.000+01:002012-05-10T21:43:27.429+01:00CT Scan and Friggin Crap<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I know I haven’t uploaded my cycle 6 chemo yet but what the
heck, I suppose I can do it later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
just have to get a few things off my chest and in perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday I went along to have my every 3<sup>rd</sup>
cycle of chemo CT Scan which to be honest I already had a real gut feeling that
I knew what the results were guna be, with what I ending my post with on the 22<sup>nd</sup>
April: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #262626; line-height: 125%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">cos at the moment my mind is doing the
over drive bit. Its cancer in my rib cage, its cancer under my arm, its cancer,
its cancer, its cancer and its fooking growing out of control which means that
the chemo aint working.</span></i></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #262626; line-height: 125%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></i></span></span></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Let’s face it, when you come from someone who has had
moderate pain with some days that have been totally pain free, to someone who
has been in excruciating pain which is constant and getting worse by the day,
one has the ability to know one’s body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Firstly, there has been my back, Ok yeah so I know the cancer is in my
spine, it has been since April 2009, but that has always been in the Cervical
(Neck) area and a few lesions in the Thoracic (upper back) area and since I had
the radiotherapy and the spinal fusion surgery, I haven’t really had much
problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain that I have now has me
doubled over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been unable to sit comfortably,
been unable to straighten up as I walk, climb stairs or even turn over in
bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain spread into my left hip
area that has felt like it’s going to pop out of its socket at any moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee has had a back problem since I have know
him and earlier this year found out that he has an old fracture to one of his vertebra
and 2 prolapsed disks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has watched me
endless times try and lift up off the sofa, hang on for dear life as I’ve tried
to climb the stairs and watched me twinge with every move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been blaming this pain on my hip, and
been thinking that the cancer has spread there, but Lee however has said
differently and told me many times that the pain sounds like it has come from
my back but from holding myself different to relieve the pain, it has caused
muscle tension in my hip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><o:p><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"> </span></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Then there has been the pain in my chest, my right breast or
should I say, manmade boob, well the pain went from there to under my arm and
felt like I had boulders pressing deep down on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This pain was new and even though I have tried
to shrug it off and diagnose myself with having lymphodema because the pain then
spread up through my neck nodes, to my ear and jaw, was still in my mind that
maybe it could be the cancer that has spread.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">For my last cycle of treatment my brilliant oncologist
subscribe me some new pain relief as the only effect that the oramorph and
gabapentin were having, were sending me bloody drowsy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The new stuff of OxyContin and OxyNorm are
working and this past couple of days I have started to feel more normal.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Well you don’t want to hear me gabbling, so let’s get
straight to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My CT Scan results are
as follows:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chemo not friggin working
and I have progression... and of course me being me, I had to ask, how much the
awful stuff wasn’t actually doing the job it was supposed to be doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today I say Lady Oncologist and she hesitated
at first, probably because she didn’t want to upset me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surely she should know by now that I only get
upset when things are kept from me or they fuck up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well come on, you don’t start an oncology
appointment with “How have you been this last 3 weeks” when you know there are
bloody results to read out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nor do you
start off the conversation by saying “Has Mr Nice Oncologist mentioned to you
about the Herceptin Trial” Now when they start talking different treatments,
you know dam well that what is said on that pathology report is not really what
you want to hear, but at the same time you want to know every intricate detail
of what is on it, and so <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cut out all
the crap, (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ha ha, and here I am doing the
same and giving you all the crap first</i>) anyway I’ll carry on, I blurted out
“My CT has shown progression ain’t it”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lady Oncologist, gave me a little concerned smile and whispered “yes”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So the chemo ain’t working” I gabbled on
trying to make out that I had full control of how this appointment was going to
go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No” she once again answered with
her very quietly spoken voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now some
peeps will leave it at that, and oooh I have done in the past, but 5 yrs makes
you into an information gobbling person that wants all the nitty gritty no
matter how unpleasant it is.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Ok, so here goes; there is further progression in my liver,
further progression in my spine and has spread down to the lumbar area (ha ha
friggin back pain is explained), there seems to be no evidence of cancer in my left
hip but Mrs Onc said that the way I have described it would tie in with the
lumbar vertebra that has mainly been effected, I think she said L6 but don’t
quote me on this cos by now my brain was going into overdrive and trying to get
the question out about my boob and underarm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Should have kept my gob shut as usual, as the answer is what I already knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Probably metz to the rib cage. </span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Radiotherapy is being booked for my lower spine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will have one good blast at it and whey hey;
it will most probably give me diahrea, because my bowl is in really close
proximity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do they always use the
words ‘Most Probably’?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I had a real good chat with the research nurse, who
explained in great detail about the Herceptin Trial that I will be going
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The trial is called ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Theresa Study’</b>.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>There are 2 groups to this study and I will be randomly selected by
chance for one of the groups. I will have a 67% chance of being picked for
group 1.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Group 1; will receive the new wonder drug ‘Trastuzumb
emtansine (TDM1)’ which is the experimental drug that is the Herceptin but with
the added ingredient of a chemo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now the
herceptin part works in the exact same way of blocking the cancer from eating
the protein by putting a protective barrier around it, it’s at this point that
the chemo part kicks in and attacks the cancer cell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Group 2; will receive a treatment regimen selected by my
physician which is called TCP (Treatment of Physicians Choice) This could be a
number of things, and would include Pacletaxol if I hadn’t already had it, and
listening to Joanne my nurse think that it would be Carboplatin if I was randomly
picked for this group due to Mr Nice Oncologist discussing it with me the last
time I saw him.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">My nurse explained the protocol and said that once I had
signed the paperwork, the ball would be set rolling for the numerous scans and
stuff that had to be done before treatment commenced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I signed and initialled every little box to
get things rolling and so now I wait to go have an ECHO on my heart, a BRAIN
SCAN, a FULL BODY CT SCAN and a HEAD TO TOE MRI (Bone Scan)</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Lee thought that maybe I should do what I’ve always done and
take the form away to read first, and bring take it back tomorrow signed, but
why bother, I have always finished up signing before and like any trial, if I
decide I against it, I can withdraw at any time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I get to this place, the place of
waiting, I bloody hate it and its all based on the facts that previous
treatment hasn’t worked and there has been progression, so the weeks that it
can take to get started again can only result in one thing and that is more
further progression.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I am not down about the news, I know my team of oncologists
are always a few steps ahead, which has been proven today as it was 3 weeks ago
with Mr Nice Oncologist asking and double checking with my all the treatments
that I have and haven’t had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently it
sounds as though he already knew the outcome of my scan and just needed the
confirmation of the scan to get my treatment plan changed, as 6 weeks ago, he
told me that my tumor markers had come down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mrs Oncologist today, confirmed that they had gone up considerably at my
last appointment 3 weeks ago and have still climbed over this last 3 wks.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I think the most scary thing right now is that very soon I
will be having all these scans and will very soon know the exact situation of
how much cancer there is in my body. It’s been a bloody long time since a bone
scan was done of my whole body, as all MRI’s have been to check that my bionic
parts in my neck are still bolted in place. Over this last week I have been
telling myself that the pain that I have been having around my back and hip
could be arthritis, well it could be couldn’t it, after all I have been post menopausal
for 5 yrs and in the high risk category for osteoarthritis especially with the
added factor that it blooming well runs in my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the upside, at least I will know one way
or another if all these highly probably cancer areas are in fact cancer. I will
just have to wait and see and still having the same attitude that I won’t worry
until there is something to worry about, for now I am not worrying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I immediately phoned my mum, who surprisingly took it very
well this time, normally she goes off into chunter mode while I try and explain
everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok so what if I go around a
roundabout 15 times to get to there, but I try in my own way to put things in
the best way I can without frightening the crap out of everyone. As promised I text
Pauline mi bessie mate and then text my future sis-in-law who replied back in
seconds that she was in tears and wanted to give me a big hug cos she bet I
needed one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the sounds of it, she
needed the hugs more than me and knowing my mum more than she realises,
probably she could do with some too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yeah it’s ok saying that I hide things, you lot are the worst there ever
is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well from me anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As for Pauline, the softy, I am now looking
forward to having a great big hug from her when she picks me up at 6.30pm to
take me for a bloody long awaited drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tonight was either guna be a celebration or a lets just pissed for the
sake of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have approximately 4 weeks
of no treatment, not crappy chemo and I bet you have guessed this already, I’m
guna make the most of it, enjoy every moment of my energy levels rise again,
stuff the pain meds and suffer the consequences cos this girl is taking her
life back and guna have a bloody good drink and start drowning these unwanted
squatters.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Great timing of the brilliant Tess in the Radiotherapy
department, just received a quick phone call from her to say that I will be
measured up for rads tomorrow at 2.45pm and will have my one blast at 10.12am
Friday.</span></span></span></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-39592821103636664332012-04-15T21:00:00.000+01:002012-05-10T21:43:46.134+01:00Pains, Pains and Feeling Bloody Ugly<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Chemo day, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">26<sup>th</sup> March</i> (Cycle 5)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I was very apprehensive of taking the chemo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat there with the little boxes laid out in front of me. My usual dosage of 100mg had been lowered to 80mg, 1 tablet less to take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt sick at the thought of it taking it, as I knew that as soon as these small pills were down my throat that there would be no turning back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they made me ill again, then I would have to see the full cycle through or this dose through, because if this dose did make me feel as shitty as it had done before, then there is no way on this planet that I am going to take the day 8 dose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Christ’s sake I was gipping with just taking my pre meds of anti sickness and diahrea pill, and then half an hour later doing the same while I was snipping the little chemo pill packets open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pre meds make me feel light headed and with the chemo on top of that, I was feeling nausea’s and pretty dam light headed and dizzy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It was a glorious day, the sun was out in its bestest summer frock and smiling down on everything, so I decided to go and get me some good old vitamin D and got laid out on the sun lounger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now this is the life, not a care in the world, well when I’m laid down anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Standing up is a totally different story of having to hold on to something to steady myself in fear of my going wooo wooo so frickin dizzy that I weeble woobles and does fall all the way down.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">The following day, as usual, I was pretty exhausted from the lack of sleep that I was able to get during the night; this was either from me sweating the duvet off, battering the hell out of my pillow that felt like a hot water bottle or running to the loo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The diahrea tablets seemed to have worked, because touch wood, I have had no diahrea yet, but in its place I have been left with the biggest wind machine ever, and due to my previous experience of the chemo diahrea, I had the need to go to the loo every time I needed to fart, just in case, well you know what I’m saying (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just incase I I followed through and shit myself</i>) I can’t believe that this chemo tablet has actually made a lady of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who would have believed it, me going to the loo to fart! Whopps sorry, I will rephrase that, me going to the ladies room to pass wind ha ha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, because of the total knackeredness and living in the UK with our absolutely gorgeous reliable weather (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i>), I again got laid out in the garden to take in some of the Sunshine and its vitamin D, which had Lee in stictches afterwards when he spotted me walking across the landing naked with a lovely pair of white shorts and vest permanently fixed to my skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a good lazy day and snoozeathon I was raring to go, so later on in the afternoon when the sun had cooled off a bit, Lee and I took the dogs out over to the field and Lake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">This chemo is going pretty well, so far getting out of the house has been impossible for me so soon after taking my dose and I put this down to standing up for myself and getting the dose lowered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb8GUFkyh-3vUGnn2e0ex6EG8UXPca3t5HL_0tUmaQ6v-GuJPmVzOfEk8estynxQigOkXqKYIUc1D5Q30U_c2wpCctv6mhSPW3YxeLPFa2NltTVKAQ9qf9yxUqqjCrDVOYDlXyFYzL834/s1600/DSCF5005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb8GUFkyh-3vUGnn2e0ex6EG8UXPca3t5HL_0tUmaQ6v-GuJPmVzOfEk8estynxQigOkXqKYIUc1D5Q30U_c2wpCctv6mhSPW3YxeLPFa2NltTVKAQ9qf9yxUqqjCrDVOYDlXyFYzL834/s320/DSCF5005.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">On <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sunday 1<sup>st</sup> April</i>, with me still feeling so bloody cocky from not feeling crap with this chemo, decided to take the dogs in the car for a good walk around Wollaton Park.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lee, Luke, Luke’s friend and Molly ran around the field with the football while little Max and I went and sat at the side of the lake to take in its beauty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The swans were giving the biggest display I have ever seen and don’t ask me how I did it, but my camera and I actually gelled for once and after a few click clicks, I caught a couple of what I think to be the best pictures I have taken to date.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_qIcRhj_5B1n63Su8J2EH9HKejcEwXARscmpCa8NYpKoVo40-y_Uk6mFbC2sYUV52MimZ5U84j5shyphenhyphenbOEuJq2ZgqC-IXIoxXSsgxYslQKzTyaF5eEo3qhY4dzPjZBmRAn8XaiK2Ce_XA/s1600/DSCF5006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_qIcRhj_5B1n63Su8J2EH9HKejcEwXARscmpCa8NYpKoVo40-y_Uk6mFbC2sYUV52MimZ5U84j5shyphenhyphenbOEuJq2ZgqC-IXIoxXSsgxYslQKzTyaF5eEo3qhY4dzPjZBmRAn8XaiK2Ce_XA/s1600/DSCF5006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_qIcRhj_5B1n63Su8J2EH9HKejcEwXARscmpCa8NYpKoVo40-y_Uk6mFbC2sYUV52MimZ5U84j5shyphenhyphenbOEuJq2ZgqC-IXIoxXSsgxYslQKzTyaF5eEo3qhY4dzPjZBmRAn8XaiK2Ce_XA/s320/DSCF5006.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">It probably wasn’t a good idea to go off on so many walks, as my back and hips are killing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I’ve just climbed up Ben Nevis, and so for the first time in ages, I have reached for the pain killers of paracetamol, ibropuphen and gabapentin, and when these didn’t give me any relief, started downing the orimorph.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Day 8 pills were taken with only a slight hesitation of them going to make me feel crap, I’d had a good week, so why would this week be any different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did feel very tired, but I think this could be down to the pain relief that I am taking which hopefully will sort itself out, so I can put the medication to the back of the cupboard once again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another thing that could be caused either from the chemo or from the pain medication is the stupid irritating itchy nose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m so friggin fed up of sniffing, sniffing because my nose feels like its dripping like a tap constantly, like I have turned into one of them snotty nosed kids that have snot running down over their top lip, but I haven’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am blowing it constantly, but its so dry, all I succeed in doing is making my nostrils sore and chapped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This sniffing is turning into one bloody annoying habit, that no wonder its a sign of going mad or a sign that you are going to get mad at the next person to say something to you, whether that something is nice or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">The only thing that I have done productive this last week is to go on a talks meeting with Macmillan at the Boots Pharmacy head office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being a little nervous about what to say and being so tired, I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The staff were fantastic and it looks to be a great step forward that Macmillan and Boots are at last joining forces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just think, we’ll be able to go into any Boots Pharmacy for our medication and all the staff will be able to talk to us and understand what we are going through as they will all be Macmillan trained, they will have the understanding and knowledge about our medication and treatments, they will be an ear for us, another option for us to talk to someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have on many occasions rang macmillan on their free phone number to talk, get things off my chest or ask for advice, but once everything is set in place with Boots Pharmacy, us cancer patients will have another drop in centre support line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The talks went really well, I was asked lots of questions and my opinion on how things could be changed for the better of cancer patients, I answered the best I could and hope that for every cancer patient out there, that I did good on their behalf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">I am feeling so bloody rough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain in my hip and back is getting worse and now to top that off, I have developed a very tight weird feeling in my chest again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I doubt very much that it is my right lung playing up again as the pain is different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes it stabs when I take a deep breath in, it hurts to cough, sneeze or laugh, but the pain feels tighter around the skin, its feels tight around the implant and is starting to pull more towards my arm pit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is so much that can be said for saying I am walking around and feeling like a 90 yr old geriatric, because the way that I am feeling lately is a massive understatement from that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am also havin to think of what I do before I do it, in case it triggers the agony that is going off in my right and left hip or my chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes I said left and these days my left hip is giving me more jip than the right..<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Initially they found pitting on my right hip in the scan that diagnosed me with bone metz 3 yrs ago, but from that day, my hip has never been discussed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At my last appointment, I mentioned my painful hip syndrome and described the pain the only why I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That it’s a constant dull nagging pain that can at anytime give way and feel like the joint inside is bending the wrong way or more to the point a feeling of everything inside being cut to smithereens without any aid of pain relief or anaesthetic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My oncologist isn’t too concerned as nothing was showing up in my last scan, so for the time being he has prescribed me some other pain relief that will hopefully give me some relief, but until I get these new super ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get rid of pain’</i> meds, it’s back to my home pharmacy of pain relief medication that just doesn’t seem to do anything apart from turn me into a drooling zombie sparked out on the sofa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">On <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Saturday 14th April</i> I drove all the way to Doncaster, to visit my mum and go with my future sister in law to be measured up for my bridesmaid dress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Me in a bridesmaid dress, at the ripe old age of 45, well it will save on the cost of having to buy something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was relieved that ’<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jay</i>’, Kerry’s sister said she was going to wear flat shoes, as this is going to give me a bloody great excuse for me to do the same, as there is no way that my aging, creaking old body will manage to stand in a pair of heals never mind have to walk around in them. Whether it was due to the excitement of spending the night and going out for a drink in my home town but everything seemed to be just fine as the pain of the last week was barely noticeable, well that was until late on in the afternoon while we were sat in the pub and I was tucking into what was now number 3 wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My right breast was beginning to feel quite painful and more so towards my armpit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our Kez (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">future sis-in-law</i>) noticed me holding tightly to my underarm and asked if I was pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Wooo nothing that another wine won’t fix” I laughed, and hoped at the same time that it would be true.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The afternoon and evening was going great, talks of the wedding, and the talks and laughs of the sunbathing that the girls and everyone were going to do. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just a shame that I won’t be able to be with them for the actual wedding in Cyprus, but wow! a staggering £950 with the added cost of my medical insurance taking it to a total of £1500 for a week and that is without spending money is; well just way out of my depth and there is just no way that I could afford to pay it with the extravagance of my benefit income.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt a bit out of it but was relieved when the talks went on about how they were all going to do their hair for the day, at least I didn’t have to worry about not being able to grip mine up, or getting the sleek look they were going to have and I didn’t have to worry about the hot humidity frizz.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After more wine we all piled out of the pub and went down the road to the local Indian restaurant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still talking about hair, which I have to point out, was getting on my friggin nerves by now and so had stopped really paying attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was smiling when I thought smiles were needed, I laughed when the others laughed and then “You look like your mum with your hair like that” Ooooh well I’m sorry, but I don’t really have a choice in the matter and apparently my wig looks better, Ok so yes, I know my wig looks better, it’s bound to cos it makes me look like I’ve got some friggin hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The remark got to me and over and over in my mind; I kept thinking why should I wear my wig all the time, just to make me look normal and not look like my bloody mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum, she is gorgeous and had always hoped that when I grew up, I would be just like her, but the fact is that she is 22 years older than me and I do not want to be looking like her just yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made my excuses and told everyone that I was going to pop outside for a ciggie until we were ready to order food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then cried my eyes out all the way to my mums, the remark had hurt, I was feeling bloody ugly and old as it was, with my inch of short hair and the endless amounts of frown, worry, laughter lines... oh fook it, they are bloody wrinkles and no matter how much you try to dress them up that they are not as bad as you think, they do in fact make you look bloody old, which I shouldn’t be looking at the age of 45.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a good cry with my mum, and ranted on for hours “What the fook! Am I expected to walk around in my wig all the friggin time”, “I’ve got a good mind to shave what hair I have off and go to the bloody wedding bald”, “ How would they like to wear a hot, itchy wig all the time, have the worry of it blowing off in the wind or swivelling around to face the wrong way when they have too much to drink” (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">which I have to add, happened the last time I was out</i>)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were sorry, and didn’t mean it in the way that I had took it, but the damage had been done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A perfect afternoon ruined because of my stupid self confidence, or lack of it, which lately seems to be getting lesser and lesser.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">The following day, I drove back home and by the time I had gotten there my chest and underarm were a constant strong pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It felt like I had a large boulder inside, pressing up against my ribcage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok Ok, I know; part of the treatment for bone metz is pain control, and I’ve been told time and time again that I should take the pain medication to keep the pain controlled rather than just taking them when it gets really bad and then expect them to work straight away, but I hate taking tablets and when you’ve had to take as many as I have over the past year, then I’m sure you would be the same too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pain meds unfortunately are out, they are in me and trying to do what they are supposed to do, but failing miserably.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">Tomorrow I have to go up to the hospital to pick up my chemo, and the new pain meds, so if the pain hasn’t eased or if it’s gotten worse by then, I will have a word with one of the doctors or nurses and let them put my mind at ease, cos at the moment my mind is doing the over drive bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its cancer in my rib cage, its cancer under my arm, its cancer, its cancer, its cancer and its fooking growing out of control which means that the chemo aint working, and then the thinking goes onto a whole new level of the worst, and of how long have I got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-78598957874796797152012-03-21T23:37:00.000+00:002012-05-10T21:44:03.806+01:00Local Re-Occurrance<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's amazing how a few good days can make you forget. Why was I complaining and moaning so much about the chemo and why the hell did I not take my dose on day 8, becuase thinking back now, makes me feel like I was being a bit of a drama queen. The thing is; I may have blocked it out of my memory it could be that the part of my memory that stores this sort of crap doesn't exist anymore due to the massive attack of chemo brain that I definately have. Lee hasn't forgotton though, and the way that my oncologist could be told everything was for my lovely hubby to come with me to make sure.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We got a little form to fill in at the Oncologist today from the receptionist, which is probably down to some patients complaining constantly about the never ending delays that have been going on lately. The time of my appointment had already been filled in (10.00am) and it was my job to write down the time I got to see the onc and the time I left. You'd have thought, seeing that there were only about 6 people in the waiting room, baring in mind, some are only there to see the blood taking nurse, we would have been seen quicker than the usual daily outing at the place, but oh no, It didn't take all of the past 5yrs for me to suss out that your appointment time, is just to get you in through the hospital door and be accounted for, times don't matter in these places, all that matters is that we get to see our oncologist, have a good old moan, receive good or bad news and hopefully walk out of there with a smile on our faces that things are going our way. Anyway 11.00 am (<em>1 hour</em>) later and i'm doing my half bent over stagger following my nurse in to see my Onc.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ok so the good news first, CT scan says liver Metz stable, but Mrs Onc says at a closer look, some of the lesions appear to look smaller. Wowee fandabadozy.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Next; how have I been; "<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ooh ok now. Is it possible to lower the dosage</span>" is all I could think of saying, rather than starting with the 'oh I've been so frickin bad'. Mrs Onc immediately said no to reducing the my chemo dose, becuase it's working, which sent me flying into super panic mode and thinking; friggin shit, I guna feel like shit for the rest of my life, and so being the big baby I am, tears started to fill the bottom of my eyes as though they were 10 gallon buckets ready to over flow. This is when Lee butted in "oh but it's not" his usual manner of not thinking before he opens his gob. Mrs Onc looked at him gone out, which isn't suprising "well it is, but it isn't for Karen" Lee continued to gabble on after seeing the look of sheer horror on Mrs Onc's face. It's working but it's Not!!! Now I thought I was bad but this just had to beat all the fooked up crap that I'd been coming out with lately. In great detail both Lee and I tried to explain about the diahrea to the point of being incontinent during the first 24 hours of taking the chemo (<em>ok I've said it, I have shit myself, get over it, I have</em>), we told her about the nausea, the tiredness, the constant aching of my bloody joints and back, spotty gob, friggin high temperatures and not forgetting the bit about me having the crying session of the year, and threatening to throw the bloody towel in. After hearing everything Mrs Onc, kindly agreed to lower the dose, but only slightly and started to fill out a prescription of goodies for me to hopefully get shut of my incontinence and spotty gob whilst giving me a telling off for not ringing the hospital with a temperature of 38.8.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Are you supposed to mention lumps that appear in your fake boobs? Well I do, before xmas I mentioned that I had found a small one near my mastectomy scar. Initially my team of doctors told me that it was probably a re-occurence, frighting the hell out of me, but then was told after my last scan results had come back that nothing had shown up so it was nothing to worry about. I put it out of my mind thinking it was scar tissue or something, even though its been 5yrs since my mastectomy and 2 yrs since the last tweek on my recon.... Anyways; another small lump has popped up, plus I keep getting a sharp pain around my portacath site so I queeried with Mrs Onc if scar tissue can still develop and do portacaths have a sell by date. Please remind me in the future, to keep my big gob shut., as Mrs Onc kindly explained to me that The lumps are so small that they wouldn't even show up on a CT, and that they were in fact a very very high friggin possibility of being a local reocurrance. Now forgive me if I'm wrong, but for own piece of mind wouldn't be wise to have an ultra sound done on them, to find out one way of the other, to see what it is were dealing with here. You'd have thought so, but ooh no, having a local reoccurance isn't any where near as important to having multiple liver Metz, not that I'm saying it is, but hey, its still friggin important to me., and I just wanted to know one way or the other, but it seems that the hospitals aim is to control the liver metz and prevent it from spreading to other organs. I wanted to know one way or the other so the appointment was ended that I do have a local reoccurrance and the pains that I am getting from around my portacath could be 'get the COULD' scar tissue or cancer that is causing my portacath to push more to the surface of my skin. <br />
<br />
I'm relieved that my chemo dose has been reduced, but the whole appointment has left me with a lot of questions. IF and I say IF the chemo is working as shown from my CT scan then how can the lumps in my tit be cancer. Surely if that was the case then this new lump wouldn't have popped up. Then there's the other way of thinking, what if it is cancer and CT Scan hasn't scanned right, so the results are showing something that isn't actually happening. Let's roll back here for a mo; last year after 3 cycles of Capecitabine chemo, a scan revealed that the liver metz had gone, 3 more cycles later and the liver metz are back and in the exact same places as before. Mrs Onc was even confused by this and said that the Scan had probably missed them the previous time, the clear time and so she would investigate. I never really got an answer to what happened, and still don't know if the liver metz had ever gone or if the machine messed up. So with this in mind, I am bound to into hyperdrive thing all sorts of scenarios' of fooked up crazy machines gone and conspiracy theory's.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I just wish that I could see the same oncologist all the time, each one has a different way of doing this, ie.. Mr nice oncologist doesn't require me to have additional bloods before taking my day 8 chemo as Mrs oncologist does. It was Mr nice oncologist that said my boob was fine after the scan and Mrs oncologist has from the start and still says it is cancer, so which one is correct. Have I got it wrong about Mr Nice and Mrs oncologist.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-45497391558819495942012-01-04T04:11:00.001+00:002012-05-10T21:44:17.072+01:00Day 2 Cycle 1<div style="text-align: justify;">
I so didn't want to get up out of my warm snugly bed this morning. I knew the time was 8am from the enoying sound coming from my iPhone alarm. Trying not to open my eyes too much I peeked at the window, I'd heard the rain and wind hammering hard against the window and the outside of the house but hadn't realised how bad it actually was. It was still pitch black. There's only one thing worse than getting up when it's cold and that is when it still looks like the middle of the night. Sneaking my hand out from underneath the duvet, I grabbed my phone and hit the snooze button. <br />
<br />
Lee woke me next, reminding me that I needed to be up and after not stiring he commenced by getting the dogs all wound up. "mummy's awake" he kept repeating. Immediately Max had jumped on my head, digging frantically at the duvet to pull it away from my face so and licking me so much that I would surrender into stroking him. As soon as my arm stretched out towards Max's head it was greeting with the big wet slobbery kiss of Molly's huge tounge. That was it, I was awake.<br />
<br />
It was now 8.30 and Lee was up putting his dressing gown on and making his way downstairs. I laid there, waiting and listening for the simple click of the kettle being switched on. I wasn't disappointed either and I as soon as I heard it, the sound then went to mugs clinking together. Yeahhh I smiled as I once again snuggled under the duvet. <br />
<br />
Sitting up in bed with a freshly made coffee is something just short of being in heaven, especially when the weather is as dreadful as it was. The only downside was the the coffee tasted bloody awful, my stomach was churning something terrible and each time I took a sip, I was holding back the gips that were developing. Poor Lee, he goes out of his way to make me a coffee in bed and this is how I repay him, by sneakily pouring down the loo. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
I had my appointment with the Newleaf lady at my GP's. (<em>ok ok, i'm trying to quit smoking</em>). At my last appointment (<em>first appointment</em>) my carbon oxide reading was at 13 the number of a definate smoker. Up until last week I was good, having just the odd one as and when I really fancied one, but then the xmas partying took hold. Thankfully I was back to being good yesterday and had a total of 4 ciggies all day. The cravings arn't what I would call cravings, I think of having a cigarette and then think, no i cant have one, then immediately change the phrase to;<strong> </strong>I don't want one. Once this process is done I'm happy and then don't think about them again for quite some time, probably about 2 - 3 hrs later. <br />
<br />
This morning I had the same routine of thought, cup of coffee goes along side a morning ciggie. Refraining I was hoping that I would get a food carbon oxide reading, not that I thought it would be make much difference and be much lower than the last time with all the Xmas smoking I had been doing. Surprisingly and so utterly shocked I watched the little digits go up and stop almost immediately. My level stopped at 3. A level that indicates a non smoker. (<em>whoopeee doooo</em>). To hear this is an incuragment but the fact still remains is that I still look upon myself as a smoker and still am one unless I can give up these last couple of ciggies that I have a day. During the appointment I started to feel a little queasy and wanted so much for it to hurry up and come to an end ( <em>and no it wasn't because I lied about the ciggies</em>). Luckily I was given another prescription of Champix along with an apointment for 2 wks time and I was free to go. <br />
<br />
With that out of the way there was time for another cuppa before heading out to Lee's appointment at the physiotherapist. Again no ciggie (<em>arn't I a good girl</em>). But I did take a couple of anti-nausea tablets. I must remember to take them for the full day 1 and day 2 on the next dowse of my chemo pills, then hopefully I won't get this awfull sicky feeling. Lee's appointment took nearly an hour. I sat in the car and waited just across from the surgery building, playing solitaire on my iPhone. Half way through the first game I started to feel a little dizzy, only when I concentrated on the phone screen though. I'd taken the sicky tablets so either it was because they hadn't started working yet, or maybe it is a side effect of the chemo OR just plain and simple I NEED TO PUT MY GLASSES ON DIZZY. <br />
<br />
I'm not sure if I'm still tired from the New Years Eve Partying or if it's the chemo tablets or even the anti-nausea tablets but I could sleep for England. After arriving back home from Lee's appointment and getting stuck into the biggest bacon and egg butty ever, I was fast asleep within half an hour, sprawled untidily over the sofa, still with my thick jumper and knitted shawl. I awoke tossing and turning, surprising myself that I managed to stay on the sofa in the process and not ending up in a big heap on the floor. My hair was wet through which was a pure sign of the central heating had now heated the house and having too many jumpers on. After stripping off and having this time a mug of hot chocolate I was back in the land of Zzzz's<br />
<br />
It wasn't until 4pm that I surfaced again. So much for making the most of my life, living it to the fullest and all that crap. My life seems to be spent here on the sofa, indoors with the same four walls to stare at. Not that I wanted to go out today, the wind and rain was that strong I don't think I would have had the energy to stand up. I'm not moaning, far from it. You see this is only day 2 of the chemo cycle and so far all I've had is a bit of nausea and tiredness. I'm not even going to count the sudden attack of the shits I went through yesterday, becuase that was my own stupid fault. so it doesn't mean that I will experience it everytime I have the chemo. It's still early days and only time will tell how this chemo will effect me, but so far so good, I can tolerate how I am feeling right now, even long term, even if I need a little help of sicky pills, I look at it as a huge step forward from the last chemo tablet.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-81805162985280454322012-01-03T04:37:00.001+00:002012-03-28T16:56:20.001+01:00Vinorelbine Cycle 1<strong>First day of Vinorelbine/Navelbine chemo which I took at half past ten.</strong><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
Strange little things they are, you can't get into them without cutting the strip with a pair of scissors, then you have to peel off the film to reveal the tiny capsule of chemo inside. This has to be done for each one. I have 5 tiny designer boxes, each with their fancy logo name and description of the strength and each containing 1 tablet. One small tablet in each box, you think I'm joking but I'm being serious here. What a waste of paper, ink and expense. How many cancer patients actually have one tablet. Especially as the information leaflet that has been carefully folded and placed neatly into each box explains that the mg is worked out by the body volume. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
Half an hour later and I started to feel a weird queazyness come over me, which was followed immediately by the growl of my stomach. Spending the morning sat on the toilet with my head stuck over the sink isnt my idea of a good start to the new year or to my new chemo treatment. If I thought the diahrea was bad from the lapatinib and capecitabine well it was nothing compared to this. I know talking about diahrea isn't a nice thing to talk about and I thought with the amounts of talking and doing of it last year, it would be anough to last me a life time. What I couldn't believe is the quickness that it came on, even Lee said there was surely no way the chemo could work through my system so quickly. But the matter of factness about it is that it had. It had me runnin to the toilet and ready to puke just half an hour after the last tablet was swallowed. Now for those of you who already know me, sickness is something that I do not tolerate, it's at these rare occasions that the self pitying, feeling sorry for myself person comes to light. And so sitting on the Loo with with head over the sink I started to dwell on what my future held for me. Another shitty year (excuse the pun) just like I'd had with the capecitabine, then suddenly it dawned on me. 'oh crap' (ha ha excuse the pun again) I was supposed to take something before the chemo tablets. I was supposed to take a pre med of anti sickness half an hour before taking my bloody chemo. What a stupid dip shit. What a stupid friggin dip shit. Forgetting to pick up my house keys before leaving the house is dumb, losing my purse cos i'd put it in the fridge is even dumber, but to forget something as important as taking pre meds for chemo is the dumbest and stupidest thing ever . </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
Strange; but realising my idioticness, it has made me feel better about things. This chemo and this year is not going to be a repeat of last year. This sickiness and diahreah is not down to the treatment, it's down to me being stupid and lax again. (Haa pun again) My positiveness has come back and I'm prepared to bet that there is a good 99% possibility that everything is going to be hunky dory. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
After taking some anti- nausea meds my stomach started to settle down. My wonderful husband, my sole mate, set about cleaning the house, he cleaned all the upstairs, all the way downstairs and then brought boxes into the living room and started to dismantle my Xmas Tree bit by bit, while I dictated which box each bauble or decoration went into.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
With the Tree and Christmas decorations down and my house almost back to normal (boxes of decorations are still piled up at the bottom of the stairs) I fell asleep on the sofa only to wake up again when it was actually time to go to bed. Early night to bed at just 9pm and with a little help of a sleeping tablet I will be buzzing and full of life, ready for what ever tomorrow brings ...</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1913869049259199368.post-13308898084873891002012-01-02T05:34:00.000+00:002012-04-19T19:45:22.452+01:002012 Bring it on !<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">With the New Year celebrations out of the way, my main
thoughts are now to get started with my new chemo that has been winking at me from
the fridge door for over a week .</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">This chemo should have started before Xmas, after my latest
CT Scan had shown further progression in my liver. I was feeling pretty down,
totally fed up of 2011 and all the crap side effects that the Capectabine chemo
had given me, and I just wanted a rest from it all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">I was admitted into Hospital with chest pains on my left
side (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the 2<sup>nd</sup> time in 2 months</i>)
the week before Christmas and was being monitored and checked for blood clots
in my lung. While sat bored in the hospital bed and arguing with the nurses
that for me having a low blood pressure reading was normal, and that I was fine
and just need needed to get the hell out of there, my oncologist turned up with
my latest CT scan results. Hey Ho, there is no clot or cancer showing in my
lung, but as a safety measure I have to inject myself with a blood thinner every
day, stab myself in the spare tyre of my stomach with a super sharp needle. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse's had been stabbing me for the
duration of my stay, but it was now time for me to learn to do it myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cripes!!
I used to pass out with the sight of a needle so a big pat on the back is
required here for coming such a long way in the needle phobia department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus with the added bonus of me knowing that
these injections actually burned like frickin hell and so far had numerous
bruises to show for it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">My oncologist explained to me about the new chemotherapy
that I would be having, he said that I would take it home and agreed that I
could start after the new year, now these plans were smashed to smithereens when
other Mr Oncologist turned up and told me that he didn’t want me to go home
until AFTER I’d had the chemo along-side the drug Herceptin, and of course hospital
pharmacy’s being hospital pharmacy’s the waiting time rolled into bloody hours
rather minutes of me running out of them big double doors.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">After a crying tantrum of panicking that I was going to be
sick to my stomach over the Christmas and New Year party celebrations, arguing
with them that a week surely wouldn’t make that much difference, especially
when the stupid cowing ‘Dr X’ had labelled me as being paranoid a whole year
before I was diagnosed, and then being told that there seemed to be a problem
of getting the Herceptin signed off by the FDA, I got my own way, and was given
4 boxes of bloody thinner injections, a sharps box for all the needles to go in
and a nice plastic bag with my chemo inside that had a big sign on the side saying
‘Refrigerate’ and to commence on the 2<sup>nd</sup> January.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was relieved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relieved was an understatement, I was bloody ecstatic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">Christmas was fantastic, and totally different to what Lee
and I normally do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Master Luke had
decided that he wanted to stay with us Christmas Eve and so the evening was
spent watching lots of Christmas Films, with ‘Polar Express’ being my favourite
and all 3 of us having a glass of bailey’s while eating all sorts of naughtiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our Christmas day, after a very hectic
morning of unwrapping presents... oohhh goodies, camera and tripod to mention
just a few, which made me feel that I had been such a good girl this year as
they were right up there at the top of my Santa list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
hectic morning suddenly turned into a quite relaxed day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luke went back to his mums at half past 12 at
which point Lee and I had already got the dinner going and just flopped onto
the sofa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally, we don’t seem to get
a minute to catch our breath due to going round all the family visiting, but this
year we had planned it different, we had planned to stay put and not take a
foot out of the front door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Later in the
afternoon, I did feel as though I had missed out, but that was probably due to
the fact that I was thinking that everyone else in the family were partying,
boozing and just plain old being utter lunatics, Which I have to add is what I
am usually like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give me a glass, and I’ll
pour wine in it, give me a dance floor and I’ll do the Can Can off the
table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the main issue here is that
we wanted a quiet Christmas, nothing to hectic, to make sure I didn’t have a
relapse and finish off back in a hospital bed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">The rest of the week, in between Lee and I taking the dogs
out and me taking endless amounts of pictures on my new camera, took our time
visiting round Lee’s family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then
before we knew it, New Years Eve was upon us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">New Years Eve is my night, always has been since finding out
that Santa didn’t exist.. Whoops sorry for all you believers ha ha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, even though we had planned a quiet
Christmas, New Year we planned to bring in with a bang.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We loaded the car up, clothes, dog beds, dog
food, and dishes, got the over excited dogs in the car and then drove up to
Donny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We arrived at my mums, and had just enough
time to empty the car, get the dogs settled and a have a quick drink before we
headed off round to my brothers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boy oh
Boy, he’d really pulled all the stops out this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Massive buffet, (<em>well done Kerry</em>), huge pan
of chicken curry (<em>well done little brother</em>) and the best Kareoke ever, all
complete with flashy disco lights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
the worst person on a Kareoke, talk about breaking glass, you have to lock all
your glasses away when I get going and make sure there wrapped in cotton wool
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had Neil and Jay (<em>Kerry’s
sister</em>) singing Meat loaf ‘Will you love me forever’ or should I say shouting,
which had us in fits of laughter as at one point neither of them were singing
and then all you heard at the top of Jay’s voice was ‘It’s your turn you twat’.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was followed by a bit of Roy
Orbison’s Pretty Woman and not to forget my grand finale of YMCA with Joe my
little adorable 8yr old nephew. The night was ace, well until it got close to
midnight when our Kez handed out cheap pink champagne to drink the New Year in,
it tasted like she’d took it out of the bog, and can’t imagine how gross it
would have been if I hadn’t already been intoxicated by the endless amounts of
vodka and wine that I had already consumed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It had gone 2.30 and I was flagging, sitting quietly on the chair in the
corner while laughing at everyone else making complete fools of
themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mmmm I wonder if they remembered that I set the camcorder going for the
night, Definitely have dome blackmail material on there ha ha</i>)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mum had already gone home a little earlier
and so Lee and I made the journey, on foot to her house.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 12pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">New Years Day and New Thick Head to go with it, Lee drove us
back home, with me immediately plopping on the sofa for the rest of the day and
evening as soon as we walked through the door.<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;">So now with all the Christmas and New Year celebrations out
of the way, and a good one at that, I can now put all my energy and focus on
killing these bloody cancer squatters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have it in my mind that this one will not be a bugger like the last one and am
very hopefully that it will work for me to the point that maybe one day, I will
prove the doctors wrong of them saying, my cancer is incurable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have no regrets of delaying my chemo until
after the Christmas holidays; I just didn't want to take the chance of this
chemo really messing up my festive spirit. I know a lot of people will think I
am crazy and should put my life first rather than a week of booze and celebrating,
but after having such a crap time with the Capectinabine chemo last year, I
wanted a bit of a break and let my hair down for once.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus the way I see it, and I think the crap
capcitabine taught me this, is that quality of life really is a big factor in
the secondary cancer malarkey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is
the point of living for 10, 20 or even 30 yrs if you spend all that time
throwing up and feeling so bloody bad that you spend 17 days out of every 21 in
bed, comatose’d with the drugs that your are taking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know about you, but personally I
would much prefer to live a fuller life for a shorter period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My thoughts on this may change in the future,
‘IF’ my cancer progresses more, I don’t know, I may go into a panic status of
guilt and cry constantly ‘I should have, I should have I should have’ but then
on the other hand i may just smile knowing that I made the right choices in
life and actually got to live my life.</span><br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Book Antiqua;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01760940944494238381noreply@blogger.com0